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Did Falwell Get It In the End?


falwell
LYNCHBURG, Virginia — Although local officials have stated publicly that lovable evangelist Jerry Falwell died of natural causes, anonymous sources within the Lynchburg office of Sheriff/Coroner/Quickie Mart have indicated that an on-going, secret investigation is looking into the possibility of foul play (or child's play).

The source in the Lynchburg Quickie Mart refused to name any potential suspects, but he did note that "certain animated individuals" have not been seen since the evangelist's death. Adding fuel to this rumor is an unconfirmed report that a thinly disguised Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies was seen entering the pineapple home of SpongeBob SquarePants.

The authorities are not likely to close the book on the case until they have located and interviewed each and every Teletubby. Some observers theorize that the Teletubbies could have slipped past security into Falwell's office and then performed unspeakable acts of kindness, generosity, and cleanliness--thus causing the 73-year-old evangelist to suffer a massive heart attack.

Jerry Falwell founded the Thomas Road Baptist Curch in the mid-1950s, but his big break came in the 1970s when he was cast as the inept mayor in the short-lived TV sitcom "Carter Country." Falwell himself coined his character's signature catch-phrase, "handle it, handle it!" And TV historians and theologians now say that "handle it, handle it!" may have been a veiled statement about Falwell's personal distaste for homosexuals and homosexual behavior.

In recent years, Falwell stirred up controversy by making accusations about the sexual preferences of America's favorite cartoon characters. His supporters argue that without Falwell's allegations, America might never have thought about the perverted sexual activities of pre-pubescent fictional characters.

In other Falwell news, authorities from Liberty University continue to deny that Falwell's last words were, "I hope Anna Nicole went to Heaven."

D. W. Schmidt
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Read these related stories:

God Calls on Pat Robertson to Kill Pat Robertson (24-Aug-05)

Pat Robertson Made a Last Minute Offer to Donate His Brain to Terri Schiavo (30-Mar-05)

Look Who's Prophesying Now (10-Jan-07)

Pat Robertson's "God" is Really Larry from Pittsburgh (14-Sep-05)

Chris Matthews Interviews Pat Robertson (27-Oct-04)




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