BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JANUARY 22, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Canadians Need to Have Sex More Often

MONTREAL — Canada's Molson Brewery is using its beer to effect societal change in this frigid, sparsely populated nation.

Emboldened by its highly successful "I AM" rant commercials of 1994-96, which inspired a rare bout of nationalism among the modest and tacit Canadians, Molson has launched a new campaign to encourage Canadians to procreate. The company has become concerned about the nation's declining birth rate, with negative long-term consequences for consumption of its product.

Rather than rely on the country's notoriously ineffectual politicians, Molson is taking things into its own hands. The company has begun printing pick-up lines on its "Canadian" brand beer bottles, which it markets domestically. Molson believes that printing these "ice breakers" will prove to be the social lubricant that Canadians need to initiate more social intercourse and more sexual intercourse.

Molson figures that Canadian males will be too shy or socially inept to actually say these lines out loud, but expects that they will hold up their beer bottles and point to the line on the label.

Here are some of the lines Molson has developed, especially tailored for the Canadian market:

"Gosh, it's getting dark outside."

"I wonder what they're doing in Moose Jaw right now."

"If I told you I liked building snowmen would you hold one against me?"

"After the curling competition is over, would you like to try curling up with me?"

"Do you like darts? Wanna see my dart?"

"Wanna play hide the puck?"


Read these related stories:

Olympics Whine Down (27-Feb-02)

Maxim, The Men's Magazine, Gets into Bed with the Cosmo Girl (30-Jan-02)

Britain's Prince Harry Visits an Alcohol and Drug Rehab Center (16-Jan-02)

Cry-Baby Canadian Figure Skaters Awarded Duplicate Gold Medals (20-Feb-02)

Canadians Madly Buy Tons of Mad Cow Beef; "It Was On Sale!" (9-Jul-03)

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