BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. OCTOBER 11, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
» back issues

» search site

personal ad
of the week

best of
bongo news

sponsored links

in other news

Watch Daryl Hannah's Tips "¦ on How to Save the Planet
... Full story

Foley Would Like to Turn the Page
... Full story

Bad News From Nigeria: Another Death in My Family
Alicia Bogdanovich’s bad advice column returns... Full story

Brad Pitt Won't Marry Angelina Jolie: He's a She
... Full story

Bin Laden Dead of Typhoid; Chef Hired in Afghan Take-Out Joint in New York
... Full story

School for Terrorists
... Full story

Head-Out Parker in Turning Lane Boycott
The Head-Out Parker series continues... Full story

Polygamist Sues Motel Over Reneging on Offer That Children Eat for Free
... Full story

Fresh Texas Roadkill
... Full story

Romanian Humor: Good News From Bush
Romanian humor by Mihai Matei... Full story

Asking for a Light in the Middle East
... Full story

The Spy: Tom Hanks
Copmic strip cover... Full story

Hugo Ballz: TV Warning
Hugo Ballz comic strip... Full story

Microsoft Donates Millions to New York Schools; Patches to Follow

NEW YORK — Bill Gates has announced that his foundation will donate $51 million to New York City to create 67 small, academically rigorous public high schools in poor neighborhoods. New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, proclaimed that the grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation was the beginning of a new chapter in education.

"I am excited about this grant," he exclaimed at a news conference. "And Bill Gates has assured me that we will get the money as soon as the latest software patches are downloaded into the Foundation's computer system."

Gates outlined the parameters of the grant that includes mandatory keyboards on every student's desk. These keyboards will be essential in order for students to perform many tasks that used to be done manually: to register attendance (click Enter), to leave at the end of the day (click Escape), to move from class to class electronically instead of physically (use Ctrl/Alt/Delete), and to leave class early due to illness (click Home).

Bloomberg was effusive in his thanks, while also outlining some restrictions that the Gates Foundation insisted upon. "We've had to take apples off the lunch menu and forbid students from going out for Big Macs for lunch, and notify the students that they will not be allowed to turn down cookies."

A prominent feature of the new schools has some teachers worried; blackboards are being enabled to handle pop-up messages. "This could distract our students, especially during periods of intense concentration, like during the new No Child Left Behind as Evidence achievement tests," one veteran teacher said.

But Gates assured everyone that pop-ups are no distraction at all and can lead to some really awesome savings on airline tickets, home equity loans, and life insurance.


Read these related stories:

Harry Potter Books Ordered Back into School Library After School Board Members Disappear (7-May-03)

West Virginia Boys Sue State for Being Abused by Totally Skanky Teacher (9-Mar-05)

Expat Teacher Confesses to Killing Abraham Lincoln (30-Aug-06)

Sumner Redstone, 79, Marries 40-Year Old Impoverished School Teacher (16-Apr-03)

Bush Diary - Earth to Will Ferrell: I Am Not Scared of Pop-Up Books (30-Nov-05)

Subscribe to Bongo News

bongo recommends

bongo news

Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed

Warning: fopen(cachedpages/ 2783.html) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 248

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 249

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 250