BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 12, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Mexican Construction Worker Survives Six Nails in His Head, Now Speaks English Without an Accent
... Full story

Lincoln Memorial Defaced, Bush Orders Repairs
... Full story

John Kerry Selects Younger Version of Himself as His Running Mate
... Full story

Greenspan Comes Out of the Closet at a Washington Party
... Full story

Picasso's "Boy With a Crack Pipe" Auctioned for $104 Million
... Full story

If Bush Had Become a Commercial Pilot...
... Full story

Bush Fart
... Full story

The Wizard of Love Disses Clay Aiken
You can ask the Wizard anything... Full story

Out of This World Adventures: Laura Bush
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Gizzard of Ego
With apologies to the Wizard of Id... Full story

The Pamphlet Pusher
Stupid Drawings from a stupid stupid man... Full story

Martian Civilization Destroyed by Fruits and Vegetables

MARS — Scientists believe that the high concentrations of methane in the Martian atmosphere was the cause of the extinction of the Martian race.

Michael Knox of the American Astronomical Society said, "Martians fell victim to their incredible success at living into a ripe old age. Think of all the gaseousness associated with your average 80 year-old male Earthling, and then try to imagine countless longevity-minded entities eating nothing but fruits and vegetables well into their 800's.

"The life-shortening heartbreak of obesity would have been virtually unknown on Mars. Due to gravitational differences, a person weighing 300 pounds on Earth would weigh a slim and trim 112 pounds on Mars.

"Also adding to the Martians' ultimately civilization-annihilating longevity was the fact that the Martian year is nearly twice as long as Earth's. In other words, a Martian would have aged nearly two Earth years for every one year on Mars.

"Our long-standing belief that Martians were little, green aliens dovetails nicely with this theory. "People get smaller with age, and the greenness is explained by the miasma of chokedamp they left hanging in the Martian air with their collective flatulence.

"So what you have is a race of ancient little green gas bags. Given how many centuries each of these little men spent in his second childhood, it was just a matter of time before one of them played with a match and left the planet the residual methane-enwrapped ball of scorched earth we see today."

In a related story, Saddam Hussein's attorney, Jacques Verges, told reporters today that his client was left unfit to stand trial by all the Mars candy bars he ate while enclosed in his snakehole.

Larry Greer

Read these related stories:

"Beagle" Space Probe Feared Dead on Mars; Princess Anne's Pit Bulls Suspected (31-Dec-03)

Two Rovers Mate on Mars (4-Feb-04)

Blind Man Regains Sight at Rio Carnival (25-Feb-04)

NASA Sees Evidence of Rover Having Passed Water on Mars (10-Mar-04)

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