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Ted Koppel to Read Names of the Dead in the French and Indian War



NEW YORK — Creating a firestorm of controversy, "just for the hell of it, because war is hell," Ted Koppel has announced that he will read the names of the war dead from the French and Indian War, which occurred between 1754 and 1763.

Koppel, who is offered as a cheap substitute for general anesthesia in some hospitals, explained, "This was a war between France and England for power in the New World. England was so busy over the years fighting France in other battles that they forgot to even get their own country's name in the title of this particular conflict, either that or their historians had come down with Alzheimer's. France did get their name in but they blew the result. In 1763, at the Treaty of Paris, France surrendered all of its colonies to England and gave the British control of Canada as well. However, the Native Americans, who fought with the French, were not exactly thrilled and continued to antagonize the British for decades.

"So we have war dead from all over the map, three different groups of dead. It will be slightly boring when we have to do the English Smiths. That's a half hour right there, but I'm sure everyone in London will be "keeping up with the Joneses,' although we may have to provide a spark by then with some Beatles' background music. The French will be tuning in I am sure when we start those lists of Le that and La that " we even have a whore from Marseille killed in action who went by the first name of Ooooh ". we have no last name on her, so we are just going to read that off as Ooooh La La.

"Things got a tad tricky when we got to the Native Americans. We have British reports that "a tall one holding my brother's hair piece' was lying there and "an old dude with a Mohawk and some wampum was sprawled out there' and "the model for the Cleveland Indians mascot was buried there.' We needed to give these guys names to honor their sacrifice, so in the American spirit of Tonto, we decided to call all of them "Keemosabee.' When we rattle off the 4,000 or 5,000 we know about, there may be some monotony, but we promise to break out Cher to sing "Half Breed' and liven things up in case we come across some real light skinned ones."

Rush Limbaugh plans on countering by reading from the Milwaukee, Wisconsin phone book. "I'll raise my voice super loud if there's a suspicion that the person might be a card carrying member of the ACLU. You know, it will be like Bob Garrett, Jim Glass, SEYMOUR GOLDBERG, Angela Gomez, NAOMI GOODMAN. We'll be honoring them all right! Hohohohohoho."

Van Gross, MD
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