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OJ Simpson Names Ted Williams as the Real Killer of Nicole
MIAMI — Basking in the glow of the tenth anniversary of his controversial "trial of the century," OJ Simpson identified the frozen Ted Williams as the murderer of Nicole Simpson, Lacy Peterson and Tony Randall.
"It's a "threefer,'" announced the former Hall of Fame running back. "I confronted Ted yesterday and as usual, he would not answer one of my questions, let alone move a single muscle - yeah, like I really believe that." The great Red Sox outfielder is currently semi-deceased in the form of a frozen neurovitrification specimen in a covert institution.
"As you know, despite being p.o.'d at Nicole for dying, I have been hunting down her killer for a decade,: said Simpson. "She liked ice pops you know. Well it's obvious what happened. "The Splendid Splinter' snuck into the Brentwood mansion and, while she was licking his frigid exterior, he clobbered her by using his near-dead life form as a giant baseball bat. Where's the mystery? She liked 6 inch ice pops. Is she gonna turn down something rolling in at 76 inches? I'm sure he was clever enough to appear as her favorite flavor too, Orange Juice, which used to be my nickname before people just tagged me with that crazy other one, "Murderer.'"
"As far as Lacy", OJ added, "Well, Scott was playing golf with me. Ted was driving around in his fishing boat, probably hovering around the shore yelling out to innocent pedestrians, "Pssst"hey beautiful, want a Cream sickle? I'm available.' Who wouldn't be curious to look out at the bay and see this 6 foot 4 inch wooden stick wrapped in the flavor of the week? Once Lacy got in the damn boat he probably nearly drowned her by melting himself into a pool of lemon lime with vanilla, then he shocked her to death by traipsing around the damn vessel as a nude ice cream stick."
"The Tony Randall killing is even more sordid," concluded the Miami widower. "I'll just tell you the minimum I know. This enormous neurovitrified Popsicle stick showed up at Tony's house as Jack Klugman's Evil Homosexual Twin. Somebody mentioned "Odd Couple Shish kabob.' I'm not going to go there."
