BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JUNE 16, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
» back issues

» search site

best of
bongo news

in other news

Bongo News' Swimsuit Edition
... Full story

Kerry Tries to Ignite Reagan's Casket, Gore Takes Credit for Reagan's Big Ideas
... Full story

Clinton to Promote His New Book 'Go Down on Me'
... Full story

Bush Junior Falls From Airplane
... Full story

Bush Senior Survives Parachute Jump; No State Funeral This Week

Britney Spears Has Knee Surgery; Breasts Increase
... Full story

Carrot Top Was Used to Torture Iraqi Prisoners
... Full story

OJ Simpson Names Ted Williams as the Real Killer of Nicole
... Full story

The Secret Shame of Prince Charles
... Full story

Celebrity Product Endorsements
... Full story

Guess the Celebrity
... Full story

Gunner & Sarge: Bush & Rumsfeld
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Go Down
With apologies to Foxtrot... Full story

The Dreamer With One Eye on the Ball
Stupid Drawings from a stupid stupid man... Full story

OJ Simpson Names Ted Williams as the Real Killer of Nicole

MIAMI — Basking in the glow of the tenth anniversary of his controversial "trial of the century," OJ Simpson identified the frozen Ted Williams as the murderer of Nicole Simpson, Lacy Peterson and Tony Randall.

"It's a "threefer,'" announced the former Hall of Fame running back. "I confronted Ted yesterday and as usual, he would not answer one of my questions, let alone move a single muscle - yeah, like I really believe that." The great Red Sox outfielder is currently semi-deceased in the form of a frozen neurovitrification specimen in a covert institution.

"As you know, despite being p.o.'d at Nicole for dying, I have been hunting down her killer for a decade,: said Simpson. "She liked ice pops you know. Well it's obvious what happened. "The Splendid Splinter' snuck into the Brentwood mansion and, while she was licking his frigid exterior, he clobbered her by using his near-dead life form as a giant baseball bat. Where's the mystery? She liked 6 inch ice pops. Is she gonna turn down something rolling in at 76 inches? I'm sure he was clever enough to appear as her favorite flavor too, Orange Juice, which used to be my nickname before people just tagged me with that crazy other one, "Murderer.'"

"As far as Lacy", OJ added, "Well, Scott was playing golf with me. Ted was driving around in his fishing boat, probably hovering around the shore yelling out to innocent pedestrians, "Pssst"hey beautiful, want a Cream sickle? I'm available.' Who wouldn't be curious to look out at the bay and see this 6 foot 4 inch wooden stick wrapped in the flavor of the week? Once Lacy got in the damn boat he probably nearly drowned her by melting himself into a pool of lemon lime with vanilla, then he shocked her to death by traipsing around the damn vessel as a nude ice cream stick."

"The Tony Randall killing is even more sordid," concluded the Miami widower. "I'll just tell you the minimum I know. This enormous neurovitrified Popsicle stick showed up at Tony's house as Jack Klugman's Evil Homosexual Twin. Somebody mentioned "Odd Couple Shish kabob.' I'm not going to go there."

Van Gross, MD

Read these related stories:

FCC Fines Marie Osmond For Saying "Darn" on Her Radio Show (17-Mar-04)

Top 10 Things Not to Say on a First Date, by the Wizard of Love (5-May-04)

Joe Millionaire Chooses Linda, Not Cat, But is Rejected by His Horse and Dog (3-Dec-03)

Hollywood Producers Deny That TV Shows Have Anti-Bush Messages (7-Apr-04)

University of Colorado Football Coach Barnett Says "We Rape All Our Placekickers" (25-Feb-04)

personal ad
of the week

Subscribe to Bongo News

bongo recommends

Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed

Warning: fopen(cachedpages/1149 .html) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 248

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 249

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 250