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Weather Underground Grabs Felt at Nursing Home; "Payback Time, Fascist!"



SANTA ROSA, California — Still seething from years of non-revenge against the man who authorized break-ins into their homes "to get those Commies," surviving members of the Weather Underground today grabbed Mark Felt's soiled bed sheets and tied his four limbs to bedposts at the Deep Doo Doo Nursing Home.

Singing the Bob Dylan song, "Subterranean Homesick Blues," that included the line in their honor, 'You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows,' Bernadette Dohrn and Mark Rudd dropped some acid, began screwing on the floor and then splashed the liquid contents of the Felt bedpan onto the former chatty FBI agent.

Todd Gitlin, now a Columbia Journalism professor but formerly the leader of Students for a Democratic Society, then held a sit-in at Felt nurse's station, binding and gagging the right wing (or Alzheimer's wing) Head Nurse and then, after taking several dinner trays, force-fed Felt dietetic apple sauce along with a low sodium Salisbury Steak meal.

"You're all pigs!" yelled Kathy Boudin, the former Black Panther who stormed the semi-private room. "But we're stealing kosher meals too! And Charlie Manson is God."

Felt for his part added, "These visitors are fun, but you don't need a weatherman to know I'm passing wind."

"I'm going to break in to Bob Dylan's house next," he continued. "Somebody get me that Commie Jew's address. Lay lady lay, my behind. Lay across my big brass bedpan.

"Where's Bob Woodpecker? Bernstein, I'm callin' Haldeman and the Tricky One so we can break in to your place, you subversive Yid."

A seductive nurse's aide then untied the elderly Throat's sheets which freed him to begin inappropriate fondling. "Hey baby", said Felt, "just tell me you're not J. Edgar Hoover dressed up as my whore."

Van Gross, MD
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