BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JUNE 8, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Tom Cruise: "I Have Sex All Over My Holmes"
... Full story

Russell Crowe Arrested For Lousy Imitation of "Cinderella Man" Fight Scene
... Full story

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Check Into a Hotel as Mr. & Mrs. Smith
... Full story

"I Hope Paris Likes Anal Sex"
... Full story

Paris is a Vile Candidate for the 2012 Olympics. Sorry, That's "˜Ville Candidate'
... Full story

Nixon Felt it Was Felt
... Full story

Woodward: Sources Must Be Protected, To Maximize My Book Profits!
... Full story

Bush Diary - I Always Thought Deep Throat Was Robert Redford
... Full story

Guards at Guantanamo Found Multiple Uses for the Koran
... Full story

Californians to Almighty: "Dude, Where's My House?"
... Full story

The Return of Captain Flame: Bill Gates
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Willie "˜n Ethel Making Love
With apologies to Willy β€˜n Ethel... Full story

Amphibo and Hugo
Comics by Hugo Ballz... Full story

Weather Underground Grabs Felt at Nursing Home; "Payback Time, Fascist!"

SANTA ROSA, California — Still seething from years of non-revenge against the man who authorized break-ins into their homes "to get those Commies," surviving members of the Weather Underground today grabbed Mark Felt's soiled bed sheets and tied his four limbs to bedposts at the Deep Doo Doo Nursing Home.

Singing the Bob Dylan song, "Subterranean Homesick Blues," that included the line in their honor, 'You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows,' Bernadette Dohrn and Mark Rudd dropped some acid, began screwing on the floor and then splashed the liquid contents of the Felt bedpan onto the former chatty FBI agent.

Todd Gitlin, now a Columbia Journalism professor but formerly the leader of Students for a Democratic Society, then held a sit-in at Felt nurse's station, binding and gagging the right wing (or Alzheimer's wing) Head Nurse and then, after taking several dinner trays, force-fed Felt dietetic apple sauce along with a low sodium Salisbury Steak meal.

"You're all pigs!" yelled Kathy Boudin, the former Black Panther who stormed the semi-private room. "But we're stealing kosher meals too! And Charlie Manson is God."

Felt for his part added, "These visitors are fun, but you don't need a weatherman to know I'm passing wind."

"I'm going to break in to Bob Dylan's house next," he continued. "Somebody get me that Commie Jew's address. Lay lady lay, my behind. Lay across my big brass bedpan.

"Where's Bob Woodpecker? Bernstein, I'm callin' Haldeman and the Tricky One so we can break in to your place, you subversive Yid."

A seductive nurse's aide then untied the elderly Throat's sheets which freed him to begin inappropriate fondling. "Hey baby", said Felt, "just tell me you're not J. Edgar Hoover dressed up as my whore."

Van Gross, MD

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