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Guards at Guantanamo Found Multiple Uses for the Koran
MOBILE, Alabama Having come under heavy criticism for mishandling copies of the Koran, former guards at Guantanamo Bay have defended their actions.
"When we first encountered the Koran, we thought it was just another religious book, you know like the Bible," said one former guard who is now employed in an S&M parlor as a whip master and flagellator. "But it didn't take many of us long to realize it was much more valuable then that.
"Its pages were soft and resilient. It was really a very versatile instrument. It worked as toilet paper, muddy boot cleaner, urine spill soaker. It was even more absorbent than Depends!
"We were upset about the Newsweek story about a Koran being flushed down a toilet. The guards would never do anything like that! It was really quite innocent. One of the guys was tearing pages from a Koran to wipe himself when the Koran slipped from his hands and it fell into the toilet. He quickly retrieved it because he still had some blood to wipe from his boots from an interrogation session. I can assure you, no Koran was flushed down a toilet. Only parts of it."