BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. AUGUST 17, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Killen is Released: "I'm Hunting Coloreds Again!"
... Full story

Admiral Stockdale Questions Peter Jennings at the Pearly Gates
... Full story

Bush Diary - Cindy She-Man is a Bad Mom!
... Full story

Paula Abdul to Mate With the Male Population of Syria
... Full story

Demi Moore's Daughters Think That Ashton Kutcher is Gross
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Photographer Shot in Ass by Britney Spears' Chewing Gum
... Full story

Creationism vs. Evolution vs. Contradictionism: The Secret Untold Story - Part II
... Full story

Slave Kitten
... Full story

Winners of the Movie Anagram Contest
Anagrams for the movie title “Pretty Persuasion”... Full story

Van Gross is Fired for Racism. Wins Award. Is Rehired.
We beg him to stop writing... Full story

All Quiet on the Western Front: George Bush
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: BC Peter Pan II
With apologies to BC... Full story

Hugo's Rash
Hugo Ballz comic strip... Full story

Gaza Settlers Moved to Crawford, Bush Evacuated to Connecticut

CRAWFORD, Texas — Moses Goldstein led thousands of uprooted Jewish settlers to their new home - the Crawford Ranch - upon their evacuation from the Gaza Strip.

Maverick Texas gubernatorial candidate, Kinky Friedman, had paved the way for this relocation by selling sackcloth to Tom Delay so that the Texas Congressman could wrap himself in it during ongoing wakes for Terry Schiavo, the Pope and Barbara Bel Geddes of Dallas. Friedman had suggested starting these ceremonies without delay, but Tom showed up anyway.

We join the Goldstein press conference as he entered the Crawford "Promised Land" and confronted the soon-to-be-displaced leader of the free world.

"Outta my vay, so called cowboy. Time to recapture your real roots in your ancestral home - that would be a WASP mansion in Connecticut! Listen, Kinky Friedman gave us the okay to come here. Bernie, move Selma's couch oyver dehr vehr duh cowboy hez the exercise eqvipment

"And, cowboy, Chadsworth, Chip, George, yuh doyn't heff to talk like you are from here anymore. 'Cuz you're not from here anyway! It's time for you to exodus to New England!

"Kinky said it's a good spot for us here. Foyst of all, they don't have many Arab terrorists. Second, you have all these goyim who need more retail outlets. Toyd, it's like a desert here and we get to re-enact the Story of Ruth Bader Ginsburg."

The settlers will also be employing the Bush shot gun toting neighbor, Larry Mattlage, to man a checkpoint around their new community on the vast premises. Said Moses, "He told us that when he gets tired of shooting at Cindy Sheehan, priests, hippies and birds, he wouldn't mind nailin' a couple of towel heads."

Van Gross, MD

Read these related stories:

Bush Cabinet's Names and Numbers Found in Paris Hilton's T-Mobile Phone (2-Mar-05)

Bush Can't Spell the State He Was Born In (4-Feb-04)

Bush and Chirac Make Up (4-Jun-03)

Bush Fails to Wear Hair Net While Serving Food in Baghdad (3-Dec-03)

Bush Fart (12-May-04)

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