Gaza Settlers Moved to Crawford, Bush Evacuated to Connecticut
CRAWFORD, Texas Moses Goldstein led thousands of uprooted Jewish settlers to their new home - the Crawford Ranch - upon their evacuation from the Gaza Strip.
Maverick Texas gubernatorial candidate, Kinky Friedman, had paved the way for this relocation by selling sackcloth to Tom Delay so that the Texas Congressman could wrap himself in it during ongoing wakes for Terry Schiavo, the Pope and Barbara Bel Geddes of Dallas. Friedman had suggested starting these ceremonies without delay, but Tom showed up anyway.
We join the Goldstein press conference as he entered the Crawford "Promised Land"
and confronted the soon-to-be-displaced leader of the free world.
"Outta my vay, so called cowboy. Time to recapture your real roots in your ancestral home - that would be a WASP mansion in Connecticut! Listen, Kinky Friedman gave us the okay to come here. Bernie, move Selma's couch oyver dehr vehr duh cowboy hez the exercise eqvipment
"And, cowboy, Chadsworth, Chip, George, yuh doyn't heff to talk like you are from here anymore. 'Cuz you're not from here anyway! It's time for you to exodus to New England!
"Kinky said it's a good spot for us here. Foyst of all, they don't have many Arab terrorists. Second, you have all these goyim who need more retail outlets. Toyd, it's like a desert here and we get to re-enact the Story of Ruth Bader Ginsburg."
The settlers will also be employing the Bush shot gun toting neighbor, Larry Mattlage, to man a checkpoint around their new community on the vast premises. Said Moses, "He told us that when he gets tired of shooting at Cindy Sheehan, priests, hippies and birds, he wouldn't mind nailin' a couple of towel heads."