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Bush Touts ‘No Defendant Left Behind’ Initiative
WASHINGTON, DC — Seeking to strengthen his domestic policy credibility in a midterm election year, President Bush yesterday proposed a $49 million aid package for one of America's most vulnerable populations: members of the GOP elite.
"We are a nation at risk," Mr. Bush said. “How can the GOP fulfill its promise as America's party if we are all serving long prison sentences?"
As part of his Healthy Forests initiative, Mr. Bush plans to transform an undeveloped 15 square mile section of Yellowstone National Park into "Camp Freedom," a wilderness resort where Republicans will be able to hunt, play golf, and manage legal defense funds far from the temptations of Washington.
"The President wants Republicans to stand up to the peer pressure to take bribes and abuse power," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “He wants them to feel good enough about themselves to say 'No, I don't want to skim money from my non-profit foundation – I'd rather go jet-skiing with President Bush.'"
Delivering the keynote at an annual fundraising luncheon for the United Way in Arlington, Virginia, the President drew parallels between the initiative and the formative recreation experiences of his youth.
"As a kid, I loved spending my summers at Kennebunkport – just being out in nature, drinking, driving speedboats, and drinking," Bush said. "And I thought: why shouldn't every Republican insider have the opportunities I've had? It is time for me – and for America – to give back to troubled Republicans in their hour of need."
In keeping with his commitment to personal responsibility, Mr. Bush stressed that his program wasn't a government handout, but rather a way to build strong moral values.
"Whether young or old, I want to reach out to these troubled folks, who feel like society's turned away, and deliver a message: There's nothing wrong with breaking the law – just don't get caught. And if you do get caught, don't snitch," Bush said. "There's nothing I hate more than a rat."
Democratic Senator, Joe Biden, said that while he opposed the program as wasteful political cronyism, he planned to vote for it anyway.
"Now is not the time for Democrats to be too negative," Biden said. "I'm just trying to fit in, and maybe score an invitation to Camp Freedom myself."
