BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. AUGUST 28, 2002 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Studies Show That Caffeine Protects Against Cancer, And Causes Cancer

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — Researchers have found that if mice are given heavy doses of radiation and then have caffeine rubbed on their backs, they get more cancer than a control group that just gets the radiation. That's interesting to know, if you happen to work in a nuclear plant, don't bother to wear protective clothing, and like to have your girlfriend rub coffee on your back.

On the other hand (as my accountant often says), other researchers in a separate study have found that if caffeine was rubbed onto mice's skin, the mice developed less skin cancer. That's useful information if you're a mouse who likes to sunbathe.

Who's paying for this dumb research, anyway?

As our readers know, we aren't namby-pamby animal rights activists here at this newspaper. No siree, but isn't it time someone spoke up for these unfortunate animals who are being abused by these dumb researchers?

Meanwhile, German scientists have reported that roasted coffee contains a carcinogen found in potato chips. Wait a minute, they're putting off limits all the tasty stuff.

The coffee industry says other studies show that coffee is beneficial to your health, lowering the risk of colon cancer, gallstones and cirrhosis of the liver. Well, if you're drinking coffee instead of booze, that's probably true.

They also say that coffee contains more anti-oxidants than green tea, and is an excellent anti-depressant.

So, if you want to kill some oxidants, and not be depressed about it, skip the green tea and have a cappuccino.

Read these related stories:

Israeli Scientists Produce a Featherless Chicken (29-May-02)

Indian Nuke Scientist is Elected Country's President (24-Jul-02)

Study Reveals That Bicycle Seats Cause Limp Dicks (16-Oct-02)

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