BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes.
www.bongonews.com AUGUST 28, 2002 Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc.
   
» back issues

» search site


best of
bongo news

featured
movie review

sponsored links

in other news

President Bush Holds A Press Conference At His Texas Ranch
... Full story

Amtrak Finds A New Rail Line Where It Would Like To Start Train Service
... Full story

Kournikova May Look Good But She Is A Lousy Tennis Player
Sexy Anna Kournikova was eliminated... Full story

Battle Over Hershey Chocolate Heats Up; Trustees Begin To Melt
Hershey Foods Corp., maker of... Full story

Studies Show That Caffeine Protects Against Cancer, And Causes Cancer



NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — Researchers have found that if mice are given heavy doses of radiation and then have caffeine rubbed on their backs, they get more cancer than a control group that just gets the radiation. That's interesting to know, if you happen to work in a nuclear plant, don't bother to wear protective clothing, and like to have your girlfriend rub coffee on your back.

On the other hand (as my accountant often says), other researchers in a separate study have found that if caffeine was rubbed onto mice's skin, the mice developed less skin cancer. That's useful information if you're a mouse who likes to sunbathe.

Who's paying for this dumb research, anyway?

As our readers know, we aren't namby-pamby animal rights activists here at this newspaper. No siree, but isn't it time someone spoke up for these unfortunate animals who are being abused by these dumb researchers?

Meanwhile, German scientists have reported that roasted coffee contains a carcinogen found in potato chips. Wait a minute, they're putting off limits all the tasty stuff.

The coffee industry says other studies show that coffee is beneficial to your health, lowering the risk of colon cancer, gallstones and cirrhosis of the liver. Well, if you're drinking coffee instead of booze, that's probably true.

They also say that coffee contains more anti-oxidants than green tea, and is an excellent anti-depressant.

So, if you want to kill some oxidants, and not be depressed about it, skip the green tea and have a cappuccino.
ADVERTISEMENT

Read these related stories:

Israeli Scientists Produce a Featherless Chicken (29-May-02)

Indian Nuke Scientist is Elected Country's President (24-Jul-02)

Study Reveals That Bicycle Seats Cause Limp Dicks (16-Oct-02)



personal ad
of the week

Subscribe to Bongo News


Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed


Warning: fopen(cachedpages/247.html) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 248

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 249

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 250