BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 24, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Keith Richards Expected to Recovery Fully From Second Tree-Related Mishap

JAKARTA, Indonesia — Despite suffering a bruised larynx, a punctured lung, and deep lacerations all over his body, Rolling Stones' guitarist, Keith Richards, is expected to recover completely from his second violent collision with the earth's crust in just under a month.

Richards was recovering from his first fall on the Indonesian island of Bali with his wife, two young children and Rolling Stones' drummer, Charlie Watts, when the urge to climb a palm tree struck again. Regrettably, Richards quickly lost his balance and fell, landing in a dumpster filled with twisted shards of scrap metal from a nearby construction site. After being pulled from the rubble, he was immediately airlifted to Jakarta's Mount Sinai Medical Center. Watts remained in the tree, unharmed.

"I just want to thank the fans, again, for all their support," Richards said from his hospital bed, enswathed in gauze. "And my nurses for the morphine. I can now get some Satisfaction!"

Curiously, Richard's seems determined to continue climbing trees with his bandmates, despite the risks. Mark Daniels, the author of several books about the Rolling Stones, feels that Richard's persistence in this activity is indicative of his personality.

"If you used enough heroin to kill a sperm whale and still lived to be 60, you'd think you were indestructible too. I'm just glad he's into climbing trees instead of making out with cobras."

According to Richard's spokesman, Dan Levintar, the guitarist began climbing palm trees in order to view a common South Asian rat known as kha-nyou, or rock rat, which lives in the tropical jungles of Bali and feeds on coconut leaves found in the tree's upper branches. Richard's purchased a book about kha-nyou and was smitten, asking anyone he encountered about the local rodent. The queries ranged from where it nested, to what it ate, to how often it shagged.

Over time, Richards's knowledge of and respect for the kha-nyou continued to grow. He made frequent excursions to the Bali Natural History Museum to study the animal's origin and skeletal structure, and to the Bali Bazaar to study the rat's flavor when spit roasted on a skewer. Richards also took observational treks, known as ratings, around the resort, where he identified and observed the rats in their natural habitat. Often, the best vantage point for rating is in a tree.

"Once he saw that rodent, he became obsessed with it," Levintar told reporters at a news conference following incident. "Mr. Richards has always had an addictive personality and I think he recognizes now that he's addicted to the kha-nyou. But with the love and support of his family and the community, I'm sure Keith will conquer this in the same way he has conquered his past addictions, by indulging in copious amounts of it until he finds something better or returns to heroin."

Richards himself is sanguine, despite the long road to recovery looming. "Hopefully, this new addiction will be as beneficial for my health as my previous addictions to cocaine, alcohol, barbiturates, LSD, and unprotected anonymous sex," Richards said. "Hey hey hey, that's what I say!"

Steve Horwitz

Read these related stories:

Keith Richards Out of Tree, But Not Out of Brain (17-May-06)

George Harrison Guitar Case Settled; New Row Over Necrophilia Claim (28-Jan-04)

Christie Brinkley Says Billy Joel's a Car Wreck (5-Feb-03)

Garfunkel Was Feeling Groovy (28-Jan-04)

OutKast Performance at Grammy's Called Racist by Native Americans (18-Feb-04)

What Are Those Irish Rock Stars Doing to Those Sheep? (17-Jul-02)

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