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Bush Administration to House Hurricane Katrina Victims in Iraq
WASHINGTON, DC The Bush Administration has announced a new plan to relocate displaced Hurricane Katrina survivors to the Sunni Triangle area of Iraq.
Said White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, "As summer approaches, we believe that a nice vacation in a warm climate will greatly benefit these unfortunate victims of an unpredicted natural disaster. So why not summer in Iraq? Why not winter there, too? A little fun in the sun will perk everyone right up."
Newly-appointed Iraqi tourist minister, Karim Momammed, agreed. "People don't realize what a festive place Iraq is to hang out. We've got it all "“ sandy beaches, open skies, great weather, and lots of rubble for the kids to play in. Okay, so the beaches have no water, but they are quite sandy. Let's face it, we're up to our Sunni, Shiite and Kurdish asses in sand around here. Granted, the lack of security, electricity, clean water, or an overall plan of any kind does sometimes make life a bit challenging. But who better to deal with that kind of abandonment and ruin than a survivor of Hurricane Katrina? It will be like a homecoming for them. Luckily, we've got lots of cheap residential space available, ever since our citizens started fleeing the country in record numbers."
"I don't know about any of that," responded Hurricane Katrina survivor, Clarence Sobel, when asked about the plan. "I will say that it's tough to view anything as a homecoming when you've got no home. I'm sure all that reparation money President Bush promised will show up any day now, just exactly the same way Mr. Bush himself used to show up for National Guard duty. Hey, there might even be a check waiting in my mailbox, if I still had a mailbox. I'm kind of between residences, since my home was reduced to a pile of toxic sludge and they threw us all out of our FEMA trailers. But I've got to tell you, this Iraq idea still seems a bit iffy to me."
Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, strongly disputed these sentiments. "Iraq is not iffy at all. You can't make a hamburger without killing a cow, with all due respect to my little Hindu buddies throughout the world. The news reports from Iraq are biased and only focus on the negative, such as the occasional bloody civilian massacre. By the way, we will investigate and exonerate all American soldiers accused of such acts, possibly on the same day. The best way to describe Iraq is that it's like Cape Cod without the cape. In fact, the main issue these Katrina folks might have is sunburn. They'll need to use plenty of sunblock when running for their lives from insurgents. That sun can get pretty fierce this time of year."
Liberty University International Studies Professor, Elliott Bryant, agrees. "Although there is some minor civil unrest in the Sunni Triangle region "“ gangs, anarchy, rape, desperation, open contempt for the law, etc. "“ it's nothing that former residents of the Louisiana Superdome couldn't handle. Anyway, these fine Americans need some excitement and distraction in their lives. A little vacation in a new land with no chance of flooding is the perfect solution. In fact, the last individual to face flooding in that part of the world was Noah. I mean, you want to talk about a big flood, that's the real deal. Not
to mention the caution needed to walk around on a ship full of animals. You really had to watch your step on that craft. This Katrina stuff is minor by comparison."
New Orleans-based travel agent, Pamela Mansfield, expressed doubts about the plan. "Things may be pretty bad around here, but Iraq is not exactly the summer hot spot for tourists this year. I mean, the last I heard, Six Flags wasn't opening a Great Adventure in Baghdad. My own suggestion is that all these forgotten Hurricane Katrina survivors camp out on the White House lawn, on President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, and on the Bush family property in Kennebunkport, Maine."
"In fact," she concluded, "I'll pay for the tickets."