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Cheney Makes Forceful Case for Abstinence Education
WASHINGTON, DC — Whether the subject is Iraqi WMD or America's network of secret prisons, Vice-President Dick Cheney has never brooked compromise. And so it's no surprise that he's taking a hard line on a very different kind of menace: teenagers who want to have sex, and the adults who condone their behavior.
"Teen sex is in its last throes," thundered Mr. Cheney before a packed house of about 750 youths at the Benjamin Banneker High School gymnasium on Thursday night. "The idea that most American kids are consumed by lewd urges for extramarital sex is one of the most dishonest and reprehensible charges ever raised in this city."
Borrowing some of the tactics successfully employed in the 2004 election campaign and the 2005 plan to save Social Security, the Vice President delivered his speech to a handpicked crowd consisting largely of juvenile delinquents who have agreed to celibacy as a condition of their parole.
"This is actually a shrewd strategy, because it allows Cheney to reach out to socially conservative values voters, many of whom haven't been laid in years," said William Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard. "Let's face it – those folks could use some cheering up."
Mr. Cheney's principal target is the widespread "pragmatic" approach to sex education that assumes that because some teens will experiment sexually, high schools must provide cheap contraception and in-depth information about pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases. A 2003 study by the Henry J. Kaiser Foundation found that nearly two-thirds of all American high school students had had sexual intercourse. An independent, federally-funded study associated with the 1996 Welfare Act suggests that abstinence-only education is ineffective in deterring teen sexual activity.
In his speech, Mr. Cheney derided such appeals to statistical evidence as a cop-out.
"What are you going to do when you're in the back seat of the car, or that weekend that your parents go away? Consult a statistician?" said Mr. Cheney, speaking in a front of an M-1 Abrams tank specially airlifted to the gym for the occasion. "After 9/11, the danger is that we'll be hit again."
While Banneker principal Kim Reyonds said that abstinence-only education is ineffective, other early reviews after the speech on Thursday night suggest that the Vice President might just be onto something.
"Sex is for losers," said Demetrius Wilson, a 17-year-old D.C. native and born-again virgin who recently completed 2 years of a shortened sentence for stealing a police motorcycle. "Anytime I start getting those urges, which is quite often, I kneel down and pray and pray and pray." Mr. Wilson then burst into tears.
For Esmerelda Saenz, an 18-year-old high school senior from Arlington, VA ho watched the speech on closed-circuit television, Mr. Cheney's words connected with her in a profoundly personal way. It's literally transformed the way she thinks of her boyfriend Howard Jehrnigan, also of Arlington, and also convinced her to enter the St. Agnes Convent after her graduation.
"After eight months of dating Howie, I had planned to give him my body on graduation night," Ms. Saenz said. "But then I saw Cheney speak, and I realized that Howie too will one day become a bitter and paranoid old man. All is vanity. My only hope is to pursue eternal life in the Church."
When asked for his response to the speech, Mr. Jehrnigan said that he "planned to vote Democratic."
Incorporating some of the carefully-staged but seemingly random encounters with ordinary people that have proven such an effective campaign tactic for President Bush, Mr. Cheney entered the crowd to salute 17-year-old Adrian O'Riley, an honors student and president of the school's Gamer's Guild.
"We've got people here tonight who have a lot of different stories – some 'ex-gay' students who are recovering from the homosexual lifestyle, some who've taken virginity pledges after falling off the wagon a couple of times. But I want to give a special tip of the cap to Adrian, who's a true-blue virgin the old-fashioned way."
Mr. O'Riley tried to flee to the fire exit but was chased down and forcibly dragged back to Mr. Cheney by Secret Service agents.
"Won't you join me in thanking Adrian for saving himself for marriage?" continued Mr. Cheney. As the crowd roared with applause, Mr. Cheney shook Mr. O'Riley's hand, and awarded him a plaque as an "Abstinence First-Responder."
"Actually, you're a bit late, Mr. Vice-President," Mr. O'Riley started to say. "Just last weekend, I met this incredible girl through the RuneQuest chatroom and ..."
"Sure, sure son," laughed Mr. Cheney. "But let me guess, we can't meet her because her stewardess job takes her out of the country so much, right? Seriously, don't be ashamed. Celibacy is the new sexy."
The Vice President closed his speech with some of the same moral clarity that has inspired the nation so many times over the years.
"Safe sex advocates, Osama bin Laden, Harry Reid, they're all the same to me," Cheney said. "They can go fuck themselves."
Administrative spokesman, Victoria Held, later clarified that the Vice President was speaking metaphorically and did not mean to advocate masturbation, which would violate administration policy.
