BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JULY 19, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Barbaro: "Running Like Some Maniac Was Not My Idea"

KENNETT SQUARE, Pennsylvania — Death-bed horse Barbaro lashed out strongly today against what he called "a bunch of slave driving, gambling addicted humans who have this whole song and dance about me being this athlete, when in reality I'm this animal."

The sleek equine continued: "I wasn't sitting around all day thinking "Gee, why don't I have a midget sit on me, have him whip me and force me to run like some maniac in the middle of a bunch of other horses straddled with their own "shortie problems.'

"They said I won the Kentucky Derby. You think I have the faintest idea what that's supposed to be? Is it hay? Is it a bucket of water? Is it a fly that I wag my tail at so it doesn't annoy me? Those are the major things I understand. A dwarf gets on my back and starts with the whip. Where's the hay at the end of all the running? With all the money I made for all those bozos, you'd think I'd get a couple of stable's worth. But nooooooooooooo. Some clown is giving me Lasix and I'm urinating up a storm! You know what really pissed me off? I ate some hay that I took a leak on.

"So then all the Einsteins decide I need to go to Baltimore to run in the Preakness. You think I knew what "going to Baltimore' meant? "Okay Barbaro, okay boy. You're going to Baltimore, going to Baltimore.' What's my understanding of places? Follow this carefully: fields, stables, the ground, AND THOSE DAMN TRUCKS THEY PUT ME IN TO TAKE ME ON THE HIGHWAY TO PLACES LIKE BALTIMORE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT BALTIMORE MEANS.

"And what happens when I get to this Preakness place in Baltimore? I'll tell you what happened. Mini-Me over there gets on me like I'm the Energizer Bunny and starts with the giddyap routine. Bingo, I'm on the ground in agony. Oh gee, all my fans making money off my ass, why did that happen exactly? Gee, I don't know. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'M RUNNING LIKE A LUNATIC ON CRACK (WHICH THEY MAY ALSO HAVE SHOT INTO MY RUMP) PACKED ALONGSIDE A DOZEN OTHER SCARED ANIMALS IN HEAT!

"And the upshot of all of this? I've got a broken leg, a post-op complication and they're ready to shoot me to put me out of my misery. I'm the great athlete on death's door. Negative. I'll be a nay sayer to that one. I'm a horse on death's door thanks to money grubbing birdbrains who exploited me."

Van Gross, MD

Read these related stories:

McCartney to Race Horse: "I Want to Hold Your Hoof" (24-May-06)

Jack Palethorpe Interviews the Sire of Racehorse Smarty Jones (9-Jun-04)

Joe Millionaire Chooses Linda, Not Cat, But is Rejected by His Horse and Dog (3-Dec-03)

Bush Diary - I'm on Vacashun at My Ranch, Lots of Horses to Milk (10-Aug-05)

Comics We'd Like to See: BC Horsesh*t (27-Apr-05)

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