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www.bongonews.com AUGUST 30, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc.
   
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Excessive Suffix Usage Blamed for DJ's Death



NEW YORK — From The Stankin' Hang Low Show on XM's Old School Channel to Platinum Grill Willie and Pimp Master Reebok's Sole (sic) Beatin' Hour on WBLS 107.5 FM to the Sippin', Chillin' and Illin' Hour on Sirius's Shade 45, the "in" suffix has recently retaken the title of most popular Hip Hop word ending, snatching it back from "izzle," which had occupied the top stop since 2003, but has been steadily loosing traction since Snoop Dog's lackluster performance in Soul Plane. Unfortunately for DJ Young Grandpa Coleslaw, the host of the Sippin', Chillin' and Illin' Show, formerly the Sizzle, Chizzle and Izzle Show, the rebirth of the "in" suffix created a phonic catastrophe that may have taken the life of the vibrant DJ.

"Word, I'm chillin', willin' myself to keep talkin' till the day I die," Coleslaw said in a prophetic interview with Platinum Grill Willie just last week. "I gots to keep entertainin' and creatin' and just killin' my fans softy with my rhymin' whilst I'm peepin' what's crackin' and what people be sippin' on all over the frickin' world."

Just last month, Coleslaw set a broadcasting record for suffix usage, saying words ending in "in" 48 times during a two minute commercial for the website Helladime.com. But the strain of this particular enunciation left lasting complications for the DJ, who was tragically born with an abnormally large tongue that swells when he utters any word that ends in "in." As Coleslaw continued to push the lyrical boundaries, his airway continued to shrink under the strain. But rather than shying away from this, Coleslaw embraced the hot suffix with vigor. It became his lyrical weapon of choice in addition to his Achilles Heel.

"We tried to rename the show but Slaw wouldn't discuss it," said Shade 45 Programming Director Lars McMullan. "He couldn't stand not being fresh. If the kids were saying "˜chillin' again then he needed to say it too, regardless of the consequences."

On Saturday evening at 10:42 p.m., Young Grandpa Coleslaw uttered his final words, fittingly while on the air. Like always, Coleslaw was asking a caller what he/she was sippin' on. But, the caller's phonically complex location proved too much for the DJ's distended tongue.

"In Scaggsville, MD you're on the air. Yo, Scaggsville, that's fresh. I'm diggin it. Yo, you chillin and illin in Scaggsvillin? What're ya sippin? Yo, check this out: Scaggsvillin, I'm just willin to hit you with some medicine, penicillin, yo you got a lot of evil villains that I'd like to be killin' in Scaggsvillin'."

After thirty seconds of audible choking, Sirius radio listeners heard Coleslaw's death rattle before McMullan realized what had happened, called 911 and then cut to a prerecorded commercial for Thug-Lite, the original gangster nightlight. Although the results of his autopsy have not yet been released, several sources close to Coleslaw say choking on his own tongue is the most logical explanation. In fact, the DJ frequently visited oral surgeons in the hope of somehow sheering down his tongue. However, it proved impossible to find a doctor willing to perform the risky surgery, especially considering Coleslaw could have greatly reduced the swelling by curtailing his "“in vocalization.

"Slaw was terrified of going out like this," said his close friend and manager Suck$ess. "He knew the risks, but never expected "“in to come back as fast as it did. He thought Snoop's performance in Hood of Horrors would revive his cache and "izzle" would be back. But I guess his strong performance in Training Days was an aberration."

Young Grandpa Coleslaw got started in the radio industry as an intern for Rush Limbaugh. He was in charge of replenishing Mr. Limbaugh's personal stash of pharmaceutical opiates. It was during his daily trips to rundown drug stores in the South Bronx or Bed-Stuy that Coleslaw first began to appreciate the revolutionary new music known as rap, which seemed to radiate from every alleyway and street corner in these impoverished neighborhoods.

Steve Horwitz
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