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Unknown NBA Player is the First Without Felony Conviction or Rape Charge
An obscure bench riding NBA basketball player will rock the global stage this week with the announcement that he has no rap sheet, no rape allegations and has no history of being tasered.
Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary was nearly able to field a team last week after it was found that hoop skills among inmates at that prison were comparable to an average NBA squad. It was later learned that the reason for that statistical finding was that several NBA squads are doing ten to life at same institution.
The identity of the player coming out is unknown but sources indicate that same individual is of African origin, claiming Charlese Theron and Dkembe Mutumbo as his parents or at least the people who put him on a "cruise to nowhere." He also claims Desmund Tutu dated his paternal godmother and the favorite breakfast food in the former Belgian Congo was the Belgian Waffle. What these claims have to do with this individual never having a judge throw the book at him is unclear. However it is now clear that once a judge threw Desmund Tutu at him.
Absence of a paternity suit, illegal gun possession or at least a disorderly conduct charge while shooting free throws into a stripper's lingerie at Scores, have cast doubt on the veracity of the "outing."
Rhodes scholars like Bill Bradley don't populate the NBA anymore. Athletes involved in Road Rage crimes- that's another story. Grant Hill went to Duke but he doesn't count due to injuries. Anyway, coming out of Duke now is at least worth a misdemeanor charge.
"Where have you gone Joe Dimaggio?" How about- "Who's your criminal defense attorney Ron Artest, Jason Williams, Jason Kidd, Allen Iverson?" The DNA evidence is overwhelming now that while China and India take over engineering and manufacturing, the U.S. is producing a nation of youngsters who drain threes, carry mean cross-over dribbles and post-up shooting guards like nobody's business.
U.S. Olympic Basketball Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski does believe the use of stun guns to keep players in line during games is a bit much. The man who is responsible for so many seeking lives as illiterate crack addicts as a result of emotional breaks induced by attempts to spell K's last name, went on to say:
"I hope the NBA player who comes out to tell the world he's never been in the Big House is an example for the young people of America. Then again, the young people of America are too busy watching violent video games to hear some outlier tell his boring story. I'm thinking of instituting the use of exotic dancers at Duke during half time at ACC games. That way, when the woman plays the gold digging card, the players will have a head's up should they confront a similar situation on the professional level. Kobe is going to give a class on how getting busy with the skank should be handled to avoid an actual jury trial."
