BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes.
www.bongonews.com JUNE 25, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc.
   
» back issues

» search site


best of
bongo news

featured
movie review
The Matrix Reloaded

sponsored links

in other news

Israelis Complain About Palestinian Access to Light Weapons
... Full story

Hillary is Upset that Harry Potter is Outselling Her Book
... Full story

New Harry Potter Book Ruins Children's Eyesight
... Full story

Canadians Accidentally Put Harry Potter Book On Sale Early
Finally, a "first" for the Canadians... Full story

Incredible Hulk Enters California Governor's Race
Schwarzenegger has competition... Full story

Demi Moore Boy Toy, Ashton Kutcher, Likes Silicone Breasts
... Full story

White Men Can't Dance: Jesse Jackson Hosts Party



By White Man, Mark Fisher

CHICAGO — Democrat Presidential hopefuls attended a party hosted by Jesse Jackson this weekend, and reviews from most revelers range from "It really sucked" to "I'm NEVER going to another one of those!"

The party, held at Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH coalition headquarters, began around 9pm Saturday evening, and lasted well into the Ten-O'Clock news at 10pm. Despite hopes to "build a cohesive agenda", the candidates seemed again to be lost in a quagmire of insignificant issues.

"Where's the broads?" yelled Ohio Sen. Dennis Kucinich after downing several alcohol-free wine coolers. "I thought Jesse, you know, woulda had some LAY-DEES for us do some serious caucusing with. I'm ready for a RAUCOUS caucus!"

Indeed, the only woman present at the festivity was former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean's spokeswoman Tricia Enright, who attended "because somebody told me Gary Hart was going to stop by." However, Hart was a no-show, and Enright spent most of the evening dodging advances from Sen. Bob Graham, who was in a back room surfing the internet for "groundswell opinion". The senator, logged in under Jackson's AOL ID (HimeyTown2U), was in a chat room called "Presidential Teenage Intern Slut-bunnies" and wanted "the women's perspective on Presidential morality." Ms. Enright reported the incident to Dean, who told her to "get some pills out of my medical bag and loosen up, for Chrissake."

The party highlight came during an enthusiastic discussion between Rep. Richard Gephardt, Al Sharpton and Sen. John Kerry about the Supreme Court and an upcoming ruling regarding affirmative action at the University of Michigan.

"Screw those black-robed blowhards," said Gephardt, presumably stoned on fruit punch. "When I'm President, we'll have executive orders to overcome any wrong the Supreme Court does tomorrow or the next day." After several rousing cheers of "Huzzah! Huzzah!" Gephardt was anointed "King Richard the Eyebrowless" and driven to Burger King for a formal coronation. Gov. Dean, acting as Merlin the Sorcerer, went to the kitchen and began boiling a concoction of chicken necks, pepper-spray and cardboard chads, to "cast out the evil Nixon in Gephardt's soul."

Despite having no more than nine people present, Jackson's bash was abruptly terminated when neighbors called police, complaining of a "large gathering of undesirables" in the street outside the Rainbow Coalition headquarters.

"There were three or four hundred leather & chain-clad individuals assembled outside the Rainbow HQ," said Police Chief William Kelly. "Apparently, there was some kind of mix-up regarding the invitations. Rainbow Coalition, Gay Rainbow, it all got messed up on the internet. They said they're all registered Democrats, but there's not enough room for them inside."

Despite several pleas for police brutality, the crowd was dispersed without incident.
ADVERTISEMENT

Read these related stories:

Democratic Presidential Candidates Scramble to Match Bush's Daring Tail Hook-Landing on Aircraft Carrier (7-May-03)

Al Sharpton to Visit India and Pakistan to Avert Nuclear War (26-Jun-02)

Al Sharpton to Help Michael Jackson and Other Disadvantaged Pop Stars (10-Jul-02)

Terry McAuliffe Says Democrats Are On Track To Win In 2004 (13-Nov-02)



personal ad
of the week

Subscribe to Bongo News


Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed


Warning: fopen(cachedpages/532.html) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 248

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 249

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 250