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White Men Can't Dance: Jesse Jackson Hosts Party
By White Man, Mark Fisher
CHICAGO Democrat Presidential hopefuls attended a party hosted by Jesse Jackson this weekend, and reviews from most revelers range from "It really sucked" to "I'm
NEVER going to another one of those!"
The party, held at Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH coalition headquarters, began around 9pm
Saturday evening, and lasted well into the Ten-O'Clock news at 10pm. Despite hopes to "build a cohesive agenda", the candidates seemed again to be lost in a quagmire of insignificant issues.
"Where's the broads?" yelled Ohio Sen. Dennis Kucinich after downing several
alcohol-free wine coolers. "I thought Jesse, you know, woulda had some LAY-DEES for us do some serious caucusing with. I'm ready for a RAUCOUS caucus!"
Indeed, the only woman present at the festivity was former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean's spokeswoman Tricia Enright, who attended "because somebody told me Gary Hart was going to stop by." However, Hart was a no-show, and Enright spent most of the evening dodging advances from Sen. Bob Graham, who was in a back room surfing the internet for "groundswell opinion". The senator, logged in under Jackson's AOL ID (HimeyTown2U), was in a chat room called "Presidential Teenage Intern Slut-bunnies" and wanted "the women's perspective on Presidential morality." Ms. Enright reported
the incident to Dean, who told her to "get some pills out of my medical bag and loosen up, for Chrissake."
The party highlight came during an enthusiastic discussion between Rep. Richard Gephardt, Al Sharpton and Sen. John Kerry about the Supreme Court and an upcoming
ruling regarding affirmative action at the University of Michigan.
"Screw those black-robed blowhards," said Gephardt, presumably stoned on fruit punch. "When I'm President, we'll have executive orders to overcome any wrong the Supreme Court does tomorrow or the next day." After several rousing cheers of "Huzzah! Huzzah!" Gephardt was anointed "King Richard the Eyebrowless" and driven
to Burger King for a formal coronation. Gov. Dean, acting as Merlin the Sorcerer, went to the kitchen and began boiling a concoction of chicken necks, pepper-spray and cardboard chads, to "cast out the evil Nixon in Gephardt's soul."
Despite having no more than nine people present, Jackson's bash was abruptly terminated when neighbors called police, complaining of a "large gathering of undesirables" in the street outside the Rainbow Coalition headquarters.
"There were three or four hundred leather & chain-clad individuals assembled outside the Rainbow HQ," said Police Chief William Kelly. "Apparently, there was some kind of mix-up regarding the invitations. Rainbow Coalition, Gay Rainbow, it all got messed up on the internet. They said they're all registered Democrats, but there's not enough room for them inside."
Despite several pleas for police brutality, the crowd was dispersed without incident.