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Drug Company Discovers a New Illness Called "Slightly Off Syndrome"
NEW YORK Pfizer has announced that it has discovered a new illness that affects billions of people around the world, and is particularly prevalent in people who have the disposable income to spend on pharmaceuticals. Miraculously, it has also discovered a drug that will temporarily relieve the symptoms. As a public service, it will start a worldwide advertising campaign to educate people about the new illness, and to push their new pill, which contains a mixture of caffeine and sugar, and will sell for $30 for a bottle of 50 tablets.
"The newly identified illness is called 'Slightly Off Syndrome', or SOS," said a spokesman for Pfizer. "The symptoms are that some days you feel a little tired, or a little down, or not at your best. It is often associated with having had a late night, or having just had a minor disappointment, or just feeling a little bored."
"My husband has SOS," said a woman who wished to remain anonymous to avoid the stigma, "He is always nice to me and always happy, and has never said a cross word to me. He always does what I want to do. But this morning he seemed a little quiet, so I popped two of these new pills into his coffee. I don't want him starting to do what HE wants to do."
"I have occasional symptoms of SOS," said a man who received a big pile of cash from Pfizer. "And for my occasional symptoms, I pop the new pills."
"SOS is a lot like Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or AADHD," said the Pfizer spokesman. "You know, if you're, like, a working mom in a meeting in the office and you suddenly think to yourself, 'If this meeting doesn't end soon, I'll be late to pick up Johnny from pre-school,' that's AADHD! You have momentarily thought about something else during a meeting. You need our pill for AADHD, which is basically sugar and aspirin."