BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. NOVEMBER 19, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Bush Changes White House Website to
... Full story

Rosie O'Donnell Says People Who Oppose Her Will Get Cancer
... Full story

John Kerry Fires All His Staff, Cuts Off All Relatives
... Full story

CBS Pulls the Plug on More Shows Citing No Pressure from Conservatives
... Full story

Closure at Last... Prince Charles Identified as White House Leaker
... Full story

Disney's New Theme Park: Sweatshop Land
... Full story

Wizard of Love: Revisited
Even Ben asks the Wizard of Love... Full story

Professor Thurgood Spanner and His Next World Radio - This Week's Interview: Lucifer
... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Willie in Ether
With apologies to Willy 'n Ethel... Full story

Longest Caption Contest Entry Ever
... Full story

Elizabeth Smart's Non-Story Beats Jessica Lynch's Non-Story

NEW YORK — In a senseless battle of dueling TV docudramas with no substance, CBS's The Elizabeth Smart Story beat NBC's Saving Jessica Lynch in the ratings war.

Some 15.7 million viewers preferred Elizabeth Smart's story of her abduction by religious crazies, nothwithstanding that all the interesting parts about her having had sex with her abductor were omitted. Only 14.9 million viewers preferred Jessica Lynch's story of how she remembered nothing about being taken prisoner and possibly sexually abused by her captors in the the Iraq War.

"I must admit that I kept changing channels and flipping from one story to another," said one viewer who was counted twice in the ratings surveys. "I was intrigued that Elizabeth's story told us nothing of interest, although I was also fascinated that Jessica remembered nothing."

Network executives were ecstatitc at the suceess of the broadcasts.

"We never knew that we could succeed so well with nothing stories," said one network executive. "With reality shows declining in popularity, we've been searching for a new formula. Now we've found it. What's so great about it is that it's even cheaper to produce than a reality show. You don't need a script writer, because there is no story, and you don't need a star. What's more, you don't have to pay very much when the subject of the docudrama doesn't remember a thing."

After the broadcasts, Hillary Clinton contacted the networks seeking to sell her story that she still doesn't remember how the missing Foster files ended up in her private office. A bidding war for the rights ensued.

Read these related stories:

New York Times Wins 'Foolitzer' Prize After Reporter Found to Have Made Up Stories (14-May-03)

Stupid Washington-Area Snipers Are Caught Napping (30-Oct-02)

Hillary Clinton's New Book Outsells 'Pinocchio' (11-Jun-03)

Hillary is Upset that Harry Potter is Outselling Her Book (25-Jun-03)

Celebrity Boxing Scores Big (20-Mar-02)

Bush Accidentally Starts the War on Iraq Early (26-Mar-03)

Black US Soldier in Iraq Starts a Business (18-Jun-03)

US Returns to Afghanistan After 'Fatal Attraction' Fling with Iraq (14-May-03)

Catherine Zeta-Jones Sues Gynecology Magazine Over Photos Showing Her Giving Birth to Her Daughter (30-Apr-03)

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