BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. DECEMBER 10, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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SUVs to Be Redesigned to Reduce Risk to Cars: "Cars Cost More Than People"

DETROIT — The automobile industry has agreed to make design changes to sport utility vehicles sold in the United States so that they do less damage when they crash into passenger cars.

No changes will be made to SUVs made by US automobile companies outside the United States. "We don't give a rat's ass what happens outside the U, S of A," said an automobile manufacturers' spokesman.

A spokesman for the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety & Greater Profits for Insurance Companies applauded the auto industry move. "We like the fact that SUVs will do less damage to passenger cars. We care about cars. Cars cost more than people. Sure, this move may save a few passengers' lives but, hey, its collision property damage that really costs us, so this will be a bonanza for us."

The automobile manufacturers' spokesman agreed that the auto industry was trying to protect passenger cars, not so much passengers in those cars.

"We don't like it when the passenger cars that we make get squashed like soda cans," said the spokesman. "Sure, we build them like soda cans, but it's not nice to have that revealed. SUVs have been a great boon for us in terms of sales volumes, but they sure reduce the volume of a passenger car on impact with one."

The automakers will make extensive design changes to SUVs over the next two years. The weight and structural rigidity of SUVs have been factors in collisions, so the industry plans to use lighter components and to weaken their structural integrity.

"We are thinking about replacing the steel in the SUV frames with cardboard," said the auto industry spokesman. "Cardboard is light weight, it's cheap and, from an environmental point of view, it's recyclable!"

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