Gore Endorses Dean, Who Immediately Sinks in the Polls ... Full story
John Kerry Says "F-Word", Rises in Polls ... Full story
"The Simple Life" Turns Out to be Complicated ... Full story
Little Noticed Provision in New Medicare Legislation Calls for Reality TV Pilot Projects ... Full story
Diabetes Defense Doesn't Sugarcoat Verdict for Janklow ... Full story
SUVs to Be Redesigned to Reduce Risk to Cars: "Cars Cost More Than People" ... Full story
Breastfeeding Ads Seen as Having Too Much Emphasis on Breasts ... Full story
Ex-Judge Ray Moore Threatens to Unleash Biblical Plagues ... Full story
The Adventures of Abdul and Hasim. Chapter 1: Getting Through Customs ... Full story
Janet Jackson Asks the Wizard of Love You can ask the Wizard anything... Full story
Comics We'd Like to See: Randy Crap With apologies to Andy Capp... Full story
White House Insider Reveals that Bush Sent a Look-A-Like to Iraq
WASHINGTON, DC — An unnamed informant inside the White House has revealed that President Bush sent a look-a-like to Iraq on Thanksgiving to bolster troop morale while he relaxed at his Crawford ranch as part of planned strategy to use doubles in his quest for a second term in the White House.
"You don't think he'd want to get that close to danger, do you?" said the source. "And the Secret Service would have a fit if they thought the real President was heading for a war zone just to create a photo op for his reelection campaign. Of course it was a look-a-like!"
Insiders report that the President got the idea from Saddam Hussein, and White House aides have been training a cadre of Bush doubles to fill in for him at a moment's notice. Doubles, in addition to having to look exactly like the President, have to pass (or fail, depending on your political orientation) a pronunciation test of a number of English words, the most crucial being 'nuclear.'
"It would be an immediate giveaway if the double could say that word correctly," said the chief trainer. "In addition, doubles have to be able to instantly come up with nicknames for everyone they meet and remember that nickname and use it continually in a condescending manner."
Rumors are circulating that the President first used a double on the trip to Britain a couple weeks ago to meet with the Royal Family and Tony Blair. Since that trip went so well and no one seemed to notice the difference, he kicked the plan into high gear, and now doubles will be used for most meetings and trips out of the country.
House Majority leader Tom Delay (R-Texas) was wildly enthusiastic about the use of Presidential look-a-likes for fund-raising events, saying that the potential to raise gazillions of dollars in soft money for the 2004 election was mind-boggling.
"One man wouldn't have the stamina to lead the country, wage war, resurrect the economy, battle evildoers, damage the environment, and traipse all over the US in pursuit of campaign donations," he explained. "Using the look-a-likes will allow Republicans all over the country to think they are meeting the President at their local fundraiser."
The doubles were put to good use this week when the President (or not) was spotted at a New Jersey fundraiser in between fundraising trips to two states that are likely to be pivotal in November - Michigan and Pittsburgh.
The President vehemently denies the existence of the doubles, no doubt not wanting to incur his mother's wrath for skipping Thanksgiving dinner by using his trip to Iraq as an excuse.
