BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. DECEMBER 10, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
» back issues

» search site

best of
bongo news

sponsored links

in other news

Gore Endorses Dean, Who Immediately Sinks in the Polls
... Full story

John Kerry Says "F-Word", Rises in Polls
... Full story

"The Simple Life" Turns Out to be Complicated
... Full story

Little Noticed Provision in New Medicare Legislation Calls for Reality TV Pilot Projects
... Full story

SUVs to Be Redesigned to Reduce Risk to Cars: "Cars Cost More Than People"
... Full story

Breastfeeding Ads Seen as Having Too Much Emphasis on Breasts
... Full story

White House Insider Reveals that Bush Sent a Look-A-Like to Iraq
... Full story

Ex-Judge Ray Moore Threatens to Unleash Biblical Plagues
... Full story

The Adventures of Abdul and Hasim. Chapter 1: Getting Through Customs
... Full story

Janet Jackson Asks the Wizard of Love
You can ask the Wizard anything... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Randy Crap
With apologies to Andy Capp... Full story

Diabetes Defense Doesn't Sugarcoat Verdict for Janklow

FLANDREAU, South Dakota — Rep. Bill Janklow, Republican of South Dakota, was convicted of second degree manslaughter for speeding through a stop sign and causing the death of a motorcyclist despite his lawyer's use of a defense based on a newly-discovered strain of diabetes, Type 3, Vehicular Insulince (VI).

Medical researchers found that this form of diabetes produces the urge to drive fast and recklessly, often running over other motorists or pedestrians, and not retaining any memory of the event at your trial--usually after not eating for a whole day. The defense attorney admitted that he originally thought of going with the Slightly Off Syndrome defense but decided that it was better to go with VI.

"I really thought I had convinced the jury that my client had medical problems that contributed to the accident and excused him from taking responsibility for his actions," he added.

A number of persons testifying for the defendant, including Senator Tom Daschle, D-South Dakota, bolstered Janklow's claim that he didn't eat at all the day of the accident. A waitress said he skipped his breakfast because the order took too long. A former intern testified that Janklow turned down barbecue at lunch because he didn't want to get sauce on his clothes. She also said she heard him ask his chief of staff for a hot dog but she never saw him eat one. While most jurors said they could believe that he went all day without food, several of them felt that it was not believable that a 240-lb. man forgot to eat for a 20 hour period.

After the verdict was announced, Janklow announced that he will resign from Congress on January 20, the same date he is scheduled to be sentenced.

In a related development, marketing executives at Oscar Meyer have offered to supply Janklow with all the wieners he wants should he have to serve time in prison.

"He can count on knowing his bologna's first and last names for however long he's incarcerated," said one of the execs.

Read these related stories:

Drug Company Discovers a New Illness Called "Slightly Off Syndrome" (1-Oct-03)

New York Winegrowers Discover That Red Wine Contains Vitamin C and White Wine is Useful in Hormone Replacement Therapy (3-Sep-03)

Northeast Blackout, the Sobig Virus, and SARS Are All Traced to Ohio (27-Aug-03)

West Virginia Governor in Trouble for Not Practicing Incest (21-May-03)

TV Networks Go Gay (5-Nov-03)

personal ad
of the week

Subscribe to Bongo News

Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed

Warning: fopen(cachedpages/772.html) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 248

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 249

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout4.php on line 250