Paris and Nicole Make a Barnyard Sex Video ... Full story
"Free Willy" Found Dead After Jealous Porpoise Finds He Offered Free Willy to His Mate ... Full story
Millions Shocked to Learn Ozzy Was "Prescribed Too Many Drugs" ... Full story
Observation Test Test your powers of observation... Full story
The Wizard of Love: Revolutions You can ask the Wizard anything... Full story
Ancient Greek Play Rediscovered in Vatican Library ... Full story
The Adventures of Abdul and Hasim. Chapter 2: The Taxi Ride to New York ... Full story
Comics We'd Like to See: The Wizard of Alter Ego With apologies to The Wizard of Id... Full story
European Governments Are Furious They Will Not Benefit From US Taxpayer Money
BRUSSELS The Governments of France, Germany and Belgium reacted angrily when they learned that the US would bar firms from countries that opposed the War in Iraq from receiving contracts for reconstruction funded with US taxpayer money.
"This is another example of the 'go-it-alone, screw the rest of the world' policy that the Bush Administration is pursuing," said a European weasel living comfortably in Brussels, far from harm's way. "It is outrageous that European firms cannot benefit from US taxpayer money."
"We already have chronic deficits from using our own taxpayer money to support these firms with lucrative contracts at home, in subsidizing our farmers, and in supporting the European bureaucracy in the manner to which we have become accustomed," continued the weasel. "We need access to US taxpayer money as well."
President Bush responded that he believed American taxpayers would understand that Europeans were weasels.
But European officials continued to be petulant, and were planning to snub James Baker, Mr. Bush's emissary to Europe, when he comes to Europe to seek debt forgiveness for Iraq.
"We will snub Mr. Baker," said the weasel. "We will serve him non-vintage champagne and the medium-quality caviar."
"It is so funny to think that the US wants Europe to pay money for aid to Iraq, or to forgive debts Iraq owes us for the overpriced goods and services we sold to that corrupt regime, in return for kickbacks. Ha!" said the weasel. "No, we will not pay money. We want US taxpayer money!"
"It is also outrageous that the Americans insist on managing all the AIDS money they are giving to Africa," said the weasel. "We should be managing that money! America will never repair its relationship with Europe until it stops its unilateral policies."