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Audubon Society Blamed for Plane Crashes, Bird Poop

CHICAGO, 2009-03-03 — The Illinois state government is lauding the National Audubon Society for its successes in the field of bird conservation, officially recognizing it as one of the most successful non-profits in the region.

"We're very proud of the work we've done here," says Audubon volunteer, Joe Chasus. "We are currently witnessing a resurgence of Red-Breasted Merganser, Purple Finch and a whole slew of other birds that we've never even seen before. It's going to be a great year for the bird population!"

Local Chicago residents aren't nearly as thrilled.

"There's bird poop everywhere," says resident Liam Jackson. "I washed my car yesterday and come this morning it was covered in poop. There's poop on my lawn, poop on the neighborhood benches, hell, there's even traces of poop on my kitchen counter, and I don't leave my windows open."

Other residents such as eight year old Katie Springfield voiced her own concerns while being consoled by her mother. "I went to the park with my mommy the other day, but I couldn't play on the swing because the birds were there. The birds won't let us play on swings. Why won't they let us play on the swings?" Katie then proceeded to weep in her mother's arms.

Criticism that the surging bird population may be dangerous to humans has been shrugged off by the Audubon Society, with birds blamed for the recent splash-landing of a passenger jet in New York's Hudson River and a helicopter crash that killed eight people in the Gulf of Mexico.

According to Audubon Society spokesman, Mark Givens, the claims are complete nonsense. "The birds are our friends," insisted Givens ay a press conference at the National Chicago Auditorium. "We should do everything we can to make their integration with humans as smooth as possible," he said, while a ruffled crow landed subtly on his shoulder.

Attempts to reach the Audubon Society after the awkward press conference have gone unanswered. However, the Society did release a statement citing Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 classic, The Birds, as a sign of what's to come.

Daniel Jourdan

Read these related stories:

Birds Flock to Cheney; Seeking Safety in Proximity (8-Mar-06)

Terrorist Parakeet Attacks Cheney’s Plane (18-Apr-07)

Bird Flu Terror Alert Raised to ‘Gobble, Gobble’ (19-Oct-05)

Pigeons Take the "A" Train at Far Rockaway (13-Mar-02)

Hugo Ballz: Pierre the Penguin (21-Dec-05)

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