WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-09-09 — To supplement the 37 czars that he has appointed to circumvent the need for Senate confirmation, President Obama is appointing a czar to save his marriage.
Michelle Obama has been discontented with Barack for several years, even before he began his campaign for the Presidency, and the situation has not changed for her. She cannot understand his unwarranted self confidence bordering on arrogance, and his activity in the bedroom has been sporadic at best.
During the two years of the grueling campaign for President, Obama saw his children for only three days in each year, and saw Michelle only a little more. Since becoming President, she has seen more of him because he is in the same house most nights, but his frequent absences “to go to the gym” have aroused her suspicions.
Obama has said, convincingly, that his supposed trips to the gym are really opportunities to smoke cigarettes and that he is unable to kick the smoking habit. This is plausible to Michelle, because why else would Barack be so skinny while she is so fat, but he is such an eloquent salesman that she cannot tell if he is sincere or just acting. In addition, it was reported by a tabloid that Barack looked up an old white girlfriend recently, and Michelle is paranoid that a lighter skinned or even a white skinned younger woman may steal his affections.
Barack was never a powerhouse in the sack, and a tabloid report of his alleged dalliance many years ago with a man at Columbia University also torments her. What if he is as gay as her friends say?
So to calm Michelle down, Obama is appointing a marriage czar who was a former Weatherman, Acorn board member and best friend of Charles Manson. His job will be to coach Obama into pretending to be interested in Michelle, and to think of things to distract Michelle so she has less time to think about Barack. He has recommended that Barack take Michelle on more public dates, such as trips to New York to attend Broadway shows, which can be funded from leftover stimulus funds.
He has also instructed the White House chef to increase the portion sizes of Michelle’s meals, figuring that the fatter Michelle gets the more she will focus on the next meal and less on what is inside the head of her husband.
