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U.S. Offering Speedy Access to Nigerians with One-Way Cash Tickets and No Luggage

WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-01 — The Department of Homeland Security - also known as the Department of Homer Simpson, or DOH! for short - has introduced a new program for expedited clearance into the United States for Nigerians with one-way cash tickets and no luggage.

Janet Napolitano, Director of DOH!, announced the new program as part of DOH!’s list of accomplishments for 2009.

“The Christmas Day bomber was the first to use our new expedited system,” she said, proudly. “He’d been denied a visa to enter the United Kingdom, and we wanted to show how much more efficient we could be in facilitating his entry to the United States.”

The application fee is $100 per person. Before issuing a clearance, DOH! will schedule an online interview, in which the applicant specifies his country of origin, states if he has enough cash for a ticket, and is strongly discouraged from bringing any luggage. A U.S. government employee, who would be unemployable in the private sector but who has a great pension and a Cadillac health care plan, will process the application, thereby assuring quality and efficiency.

At each airport, travelers who have obtained clearance under the program are able skip immigration and, if they have no luggage, skip customs.

Napolitano said that the program is being extended to Yemenis, Pakistanis and Afghanis.

Julio Cesar

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