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WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-11-18 Fareed Zakaria, host of CNN's GPS, says America is going down the toilet. In his book, The Post-American World, Zakaria says America is on the decline, a decline that cannot be reversed.
He lamely says, "This is not a book about the decline of America, but rather about the rise of everyone else," but what he means is that America is finished because of its corrupt nature and its exploitation of others.
"The only surprise,"ť says Zakaria, "is that the rise of Barack Obama did not end this downward death spiral. Even he, the chosen one, cannot reverse the decline of this evil culture."ť
"That being said,"ť he said that, "I do love living in America. I do not want to live anywhere else. They would cut my tongue out if I said what I say elsewhere."
Fareed's parents live in a mud hut in Pakistan. His mother is not permitted to leave the hut, and his father routinely rapes his daughters. He used to beat young Fareed for wanting to read books, or for no reason at all.
"Yes, life is good here," said Fareed, "but the Untied Stares is inherently evil, and it deserves to die!"ť
Victoria Gotti has denied rumors that she lied about having breast cancer as a ploy to up the ratings of her TV show, Growing Up Gotti. She did acknowledge having a discussion about breast cancer with a reporter from the Daily News, but she can’t remember his name and referred to him as "chemosabe."
Victoria said she would never lie about something as serious as breast cancer, especially because some of her breast friends have been diagnosed. "I may not see them as often as I would like to,” she said, “but I still consider them to be my bosom buddies!”
One of Victoria's sons was heard telling a few of his buddies that his mother found a bag in his drawer containing white powder. According to the kid, she stuck her finger in the bag, licked it, and said, "How about giving momagram?"
With all this recent stress, Victoria decided she needed to visit a shrink. The first thing the therapist asked her was if she was ever diagnosed with paranoia. Her response was, "If my pair annoy ya, you can just stop staring at them!" He proceeded to tell her that she suffered from low self-esteem, but not to worry. "It's very common among losers," he said.
Victoria hates it when people think of her as a dumb blonde. She claims to have been a straight-A student and considered very bright by all her teachers. "I was a child Prada and I was voted most likely to suck, two years in a row. Not only did I go to the head of the class, but I gave head to the whole class."
Victoria says that she hates being followed by reporters. " wish my father was still alive. He would advise me how to deal with the mob (scenes).
"I admit I've made a few mistakes but, considering I'm the single parent of three teenage boys, I think I've done OK. Too bad I can't use my frequent flyer miles for guilt trips.
"I admit I've dabbled in drugs, but I never had a problem. In fact, years ago some guy gave me acid, but I dropped it!
"A reporter stopped me the other day leaving the mall, just as I was lighting a cigarette. He said, that he didn't know I smoked. I told him, ‘Only after Sachs.’"
I Want to Pork a Hilton
Staff writer, Mark Fisher, assigned to review the new TV show, I Want to Be a Hilton, falls for the star.
Demonstrating grace and an inexorable allure that can only be achieved through practiced decorum, etiquette and an eighty-bajillion dollar bank account, Kathy Hilton, stiffly-coiffed Matron Babe and mother of heiresses Paris, premiered last night on NBC’s newest reality show, I Want to Be a Hilton.
In the show, Hilton leads a group of losers in the dream of being an honorary Hilton for a year and winning $200,000. The 14 wannabes live together in two Manhattan lofts where they grovel, kowtow and generally kiss Hilton’s chilly yet oh-so-enticing rich ass in order to learn social skills of the absurdly rich. Like all reality shows, there’s lots of back-stabbing, pants-dropping and general make-believe bonding when Hilton isn’t around. There’s even some contestant tongue-sucking and a maternal warning from Mama Hilton about brash behavior and the pitfalls of home-made sex videos.
After watching Kathy Hilton demonstrate upper-class etiquette and sternness that I’m hoping leads to corporal punishment in future episodes, I’ve come to one undeniable conclusion: I want to pork a Hilton. The fact that she’s a middle-age hottie and mother of all-world party slut Paris Hilton is turn-on enough … well, that, and the 80 bajillion dollars … but knowing she’s willing to whore her good name for bad TV is irresistible. At some point during the show … and it might have been when Jake, the septic-tank installer from Texas, stared like a drooling zombie into Hilton’s diamond-adorned cleavage … I realized that there’s no way on God’s green earth Paris Hilton achieved her status as Supreme Socialite Slut on her own. Oh, no. Mama Hilton had a hand in that. And from the looks of things, on oft-correcting hand. And now that I know that, I want one of those Hilton women. Oh, yesssss.
As network television goes, I Want to Be a Hilton pretty much sucks beyond description. But the possibility of Kathy Hilton paddling a trailer-trash tart from Tennessee with $3,000 riding crop for drinking Keystone Lite out of a crystal champagne glass gives me reason to live for the next seven weeks. Dare I hope for a Mama Hilton home-made video?
Heather Locklear is LAX
Discovery Channel Proves that Columbus Was Italian, But Was Also Gay and a Lover of Disco
The Discovery Channel aired a special, Columbus: Secrets From the Grave. The show seeks the true origins of the great navigator, and uses DNA testing, a team of scientists and an unemployed historian to answer the mystery surrounding his birth, life and death. Was he Genoese Italian or Catalan Spanish? Could he have been a pirate, a Jew fleeing from the Inquisition, or the illegitimate son of a Spanish aristocrat?
Every schoolchild knows the story of Christopher Columbus, the son of a Genoese weaver who grew up and discovered America. But what if that story is wrong?
To attempt to answer these intriguing questions, the show’s producers traveled to Seville, Spain, where they discovered many fine restaurants, cheap wines and friendly senoritas. Later, they joined the citizens in the cathedral to watch as Anunciada Colon, a direct descendent of Columbus, handed over the keys to the chest that the Spanish claim holds Columbus’s bones. While the Spanish claim to have his remains, so does the Dominican Republic. But his bones were moved so many times they may have been inadvertently misplaced. Sandy Berger was last seen examining them.
As the cameras rolled, Columbus’ remains were exhumed for a series of complex DNA tests by Bongo News’ own Professor Thurgood Spanner. This first-ever testing of Columbus’s remains caused a near riot in Seville and an actual riot in Genoa, Italy, where the locals were outraged that the TV broadcast of the exhumation preempted the broadcast of a European Cup soccer match.
The producers rapidly switched to the unemployed historian, who has studied Columbus for years but has never been able to pass the US History SAT. He did know some good jokes, however, which he tells on camera.
Finally, using up the remains of their production money, the producers turned to handwriting experts from the O.J. Simpson trial to test Columbus’s nationality and his level of education. They said that Columbus’ writings reveal that he never used Italian, even in casual correspondence, and that he was actually very well educated. This indicates claims that Columbus was the son of a modest Genoese weaver might be false, or that these expert witnesses will say anything.
Abandoning their project, the producers sought to drown their sorrows in a nightclub of ambiguous sexual orientation, where they stumbled upon a painting of Columbus in the men’s room, hanging above the urinal. The painting finally offered the proof that they were seeking: Columbus looking stereotypical Italian, but definitely gay and ready to disco!
Well known Star Trek actor, William Shatner, has come out with a new album, sending music executives rushing to buy ear plugs. The album packs a few surprises, one of which is that William Hung and John Aschroft are singing along with Shatner on most of the tracks, including on "Rocketman," a song that is supposed to be on all bad cover albums. Other tracks include "Let the Eagles Soar," a song written by Attorney General John Ashcroft, and "Mellow Yellow," a famous Donovan song. The album will be titled "William, John, William." Shatner explained. "William, John and I were tripping on acid and recorded an album that night." After the album was completed, the group was arrested for attempting to rob a bank with squirt guns. "We still had ... five songs … to record … so we recorded … right ... from ... jail." In jail, they recorded "Jail House Rock," "My Girl," and "Sounds of Silence." The Genuine Jail Tapes will be available to Shatner, Ashcroft, and Hung fans a week after William, John, William debuts. Roseanne Barr and Courtney Love did background vocals on the album. Courtney was in the jail, anyway. John Ashcroft is expected to win his first Grammy. "It’s ... a ... work of ... pure genius," said Shatner.
Final Episode of Frasier
The much anticipated final episode of Frasier surprised even the most rabid viewers of the long running sitcom. The episode began with Frasier reminiscing about events that were previously not shown before in the series, such as Frasier at Woodstock downing brown acid and ending up in the mud making love to a goat, his being introduced to the music of Judy Garland at a gay bathhouse, banging the living daylights to the previously unseen Mariss the night before his brother and Mariss's wedding, and his viewing of a private collection of the Olsen twins pictures while playing with himself.
One of the most surprising scenes was the goodbye dinner Frasier had with his family. The whole ensemble went out to a Korean restaurant and before ordering asked the waiter, played by Jackie Chan, to find something to eat for Eddie the dog. The waiter seemed confused at first but finally took Eddie back to the kitchen smiling knowingly and saying "Food for dog, food for dog" only to emerge a bit latter with a roasted Eddie with an apple in his mouth.
A further surprise was the birthing scene of Niles’s and Daphne's baby, with Daphne, in the throes of labor pain, screaming at Niles, "You're not even the father of this baby, Martin is!" Niles's father, Martin, quickly made himself scarce. This revelation led to a tearful Niles seeking comfort in the arms of Frasier, with both of them finally realizing that they each had a love for the other that could be called anything but "brotherly."
Final Episode of Friends
NBC's Friends has ended its decade-long companionship with millions of American women, pussy-whipped husbands and gay couples. The final send-off included the usual set of unlikely coincidences, such as Monica and Chandler's adopted baby turning out to be mutant cloned twins from the cryogenically frozen DNA of Ted Williams, and Ross bitch-slapping Phoebe after she drives him to the wrong airport in a wussy-like attempt to stop Rachel from going to Paris.
Like so many other daffy moments, Phoebe endears herself to viewers by saying, "Hey!
You know what? I just found out I like it rough!" Ross realizes that she's his bitch now, and dumps Rachel forever. Rachel, meanwhile, obsessed with Chandler's third nipple, has a third breast surgically attached in Paris and joins Sister Reese Witherspoon at "Madame Moreau's Brothel of Freaks." The sisters are soon purchased by Viacom and produce a series of "Got Milk?" ads.
Monica and Chandler, packing for their move to the suburbs, get into a huge fight when Chandler discovers a box marked "Monica - Bedroom Nightstand," containing battery-operated sex-toys, several leather restraint devices, a latex bustier and a 12" leather paddle with the name "Joey" written across it in steel studding. Chandler screams, "Jesus, is there anybody on the show you haven't banged?" and ends up back home with his sex-addict mother and drag-queen father, who force him into a diaper during an opium-laced orgy with the neighbors.
The only character not finding closure is Joey. He does, however, realize he's a total fag and hooks up with Gunther for a torrid cappuccino bath scene. The two are expected to continue whipping up more froth in NBC's only planned spin-off, Joey, this fall.
Television Review: The L Word
Same-sex in the city
What does the "L" in The L Word stand for? "Love?" "Lust?" "Lesbians?"
We asked KDANTEATER to find out.
The L Word, a new show on Showtime, is about llamas. That is what the L stands for. The show features celebrity
llamas, such as John Kerry Llama, Llama Mama, and Billy the Llama Pimp of Dallas. They share a condo together
on the outskirts of the bustling metropolis of Eureka, California. Mama Llama is a house mom and an artist,
John Kerry Llama of course is running for president, and the other llama is a pimp. The trailer features the
Llama Pimp cooking dinner for the other two. Mama Llama is learning how to play the piano, and John Kerry Llama
is learning how to find a running mate. In a crucial scene, John Kerry Llama kisses the Pimp Llama, and emotions
fly. Before you know it, the show becomes a soft core porn flick. Hey, what do you expect from Showtime? If you
love llamas like that nerdy kid on Jimmy Neutron, then you will love The L Word. Rating:B+
CD Review: William Hung Should Be Hung
William Hung was ejected from American Idol. The judges insulted him so much he
became a cult internet figure, as America's most famous reject. He has now released a CD,
named Inspiration. I bought it.
He sucks. He's inspirational - as an example of Chinese immigrants who should go back to
Hong Kong or wherever he came from. His rendition of "I Can Fly," with the warbling
"eye-eye-eye-eye-eye" sound, caused me nausea.
His version of "Can You Feel the Luh-uh-uhve Toniiiight" was excruciatingly painful.
I am going to kill this guy.
He's wearing a Berkeley sweatshirt on the back cover of the CD. The university should