Movie Reviews
     


Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

Newcomer Will Star in "The Winona Ryder Story"

Fox Plans a Sequel to "Dude, Where's My Car"

A Beautiful Mind; The Sequel

Driving Miss Daisy, The Sequel



Big Bright Shining Stars

Richard Gere Is Assassinated

US Policy on Iraq on Hold While Sean Penn Visits the Country

Barbra Streisand is Appointed Secretary of State

Nick at Nite

Winona Ryder Dresses Up for Her Shoplifting Trial

Liz Hurley Impregnator, Steve Bing, Sues London Tabloid, Gets an Apology, Threatens to Sue Again

Elizabeth Hurley Gives Birth to a Boy

Hugh Grant Says Fame Has Robbed Him of the Thrill of Seducing Women

Muhammad Ali Upset About His Portrayal in "Ali"

Andie MacDowell Attends the Golden Globe Awards


Show-Biz News

Zagat to Rate Movies

Rename That Movie!

Theater Destroyed as Movie's Car Chase Scene Goes Out of Control

TiVo Knows You're Gay

Austin Powers is Forced to Let Go of His "Goldmember"

Woody Allen Wins Spanish Award, But Says He's Not Worthy

David Lynch Receives French Award
Current Movies

Slumdog Millionaire

Australia

Suburban Girl

Amazing Grace

Let's Go to Prison

Borat

The Devil Wears Prada

An Inconvenient Truth

The Da Vinci Code

Basic Instinct 2

Pride & Prejudice

King Kong

Brokeback Mountain

Prime

40 Year Old Virgin

War of the Worlds

Bewitched

Cinderella Man

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

The Longest Yard

Monster-in-Law

Interpreter

Inside Deep Throat

Guess Who

Be Cool

Million Dollar Baby

Hitch

Sideways

In Good Company

Meet the Fockers

National Treasure

Alexander

The Incredibles

Birth

Being Julia

i ♥ huckabees

Wimbledon

Resident Evil: Apocalypse Now

Garden State

Vanity Fair

Alien vs. Predator

King Arthur

The Manchurian Candidate

Fahrenheit 9/11

Strayed

Knots

Ned Kelly

Osama

Dogville

The Passion of The Christ

50 First Dates

Lost in Translation

The Station Agent

Stuck on You

Sylvia

Swimming Pool

Gigli

A Mighty Wind

The Good Thief

Anger Management

Final Flight of the Osiris

Dreamcatcher

The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions Trailer

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Jackass the Movie

On Video/DVD

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

The Banger Sisters

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Nine Queens

K-19: The Widowmaker

My Wife is an Actress

Y Tu Mamá También

Monster's Ball

Current Movies

Slumdog Millionaire Ugly, geeky guy, who is a petty thief, pines for a beautiful woman who is a gangster's moll/slut. She won't leave the gangster until geeky guy has won "Who Wants to be a (Indian) Millionaire." Wonderfully romantic, not! How did this flic win an Academy Award?
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Australia One of my Aussie friends got me a pass to the premiere of this movie in New York. Nicole Kidman looked stunning but was well guarded and they wouldn't let me near her. Hugh Jackman was completely unguarded so I did get to talk to the Wolverine. Seems like a nice "bloke." Baz Luhrman is a weird one; he should stick to musicals. I even met Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Studios financed this pic. He seemed worried. Definitely a chic flic.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating for 'fellas':
Rating for 'Shielas':

Suburban Girl With Alec Baldwin playing a character struggling with alcoholism and saying lines like "I have a spiteful daughter," "I left her a message," and "I'm a shitty father," this Tribeca Film Festival flic is unintentionally a riot.
Rob Ridley

Rating:

Amazing Grace This is an amazing cliff hanger. Will the British abolish slavery? You are held in suspense until the end, which I won't spoil by giving away.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Let's Go to Prison They weren't kidding! When I went to see the movie they rounded us up and promptly arrested us. They said anybody who would pay money to attend this horrible movie sober must be stupid enough to endanger society. The sad part is they let the drunks in attendance go free, even Patrick Kennedy and Jenna Bush, for gosh-sake! I have made a primitive computer out of a bar of soap and a tooth brush. Uh oh, my cellmate is giving me that uncomforting look again. Please help me!
KDANTEATER
Rating:

Borat This Kazakh journalist is an idiot if he thinks he is promoting life in Kazakhstan. I am no fan of political correctness, but this guy crosses the line of bad taste and disrespect for women. No wonder his own government is suing him.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

The Devil Wears Prada This movie was meant to satirize the fashion industry, but instead women are flocking to see it to see the fashions and to rhapsodize over the dialog of designer brands: HalstonTM Oscar de la RentaTM Karl LagerfeldTM FerragamoTM Calvin KleinTM Jimmy ChooTM ChanelTM TiffanyTM... DiorTM RochasTM. Ah, orgasmic!
Rob Ridley
Rating:

An Inconvenient Truth An exaggerated slide show with the inconvenient truth that Gore is a bore.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

The Da Vinci Code This movie taught me so much about the Church. I never knew Jesus got married. The Da Vinci Code would make a good book.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Basic Instinct 2 An instinct, by definition, is basic. They already made the basic Basic Instinct movie, in 1992. If it is basic, it stands alone; you don't a sequel. These movies should have been called Instinct followed by Same Instinct 14 Years Later. Anyway, duplicating Sharon Stone seductions is instinctively a good idea, basically.
Van Gross, MD
Rating:

Pride & Prejudice I am proud that I sat through this long movie, but I am prejudiced against those stupid Brits and their silly manners. Keira Knightly is seriously beautiful, but who made up her eyes for the Oscar show?
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:

King Kong Peter Jackson looked ugly when he was fat. He looks even uglier now that he's thin. When King Kong makes love to Naomi Watts, it must hurt like hell.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Brokeback Mountain I think they got the name "Brokeback" from breaking their backs having wild, homosexual sex in a cramped tent on the mountain. Hollywood producers wouldn't make Mel's movie about Jesus but they couldn't wait to produce a movie about a gay Marlboro Man. By the way, Heath Ledger is not gay, he's just a good actor.
Rob Ridley
Movie Rating:

Prime I wangled some tickets to the premiere of Prime at the Ziegfeld Theatre in New York. I met Meryl Streep ("Thanks for coming") who looked much better in person than she does in the movie (where she's put on weight and looks like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie). Uma Thurman was there. She looked me in the eye, grabbed a bag of popcorn (she eats popcorn!) and gave me a hip bump as she passed (was that deliberate?). I was six inches from her face and could see every pore, except that they were all filled with makeup that must have been sprayed on by an auto body shop. It was luminous without being shiny. She looked incredibly good. I am in love!
JackPalethorpe
Movie Rating:
Uma Rating:

40 Year Old Virgin I am a 40-year old virgin when it comes to models. Whatever I do I cannot seem to get their attention. See Jack Palethorpe at Fashion Week and Jack Palethorpe, in Pursuit of Models. I can't understand it because I am tall, dark and, dare I say, handsome. Maybe they are too intimidated by me. Anyway, the guy in the movie gets it on with an old chick, but that doesn't count.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

War of the Worlds The special effects are great – Tom looks almost normal.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Bewitched I am bewitched by Nicole Kidman, who looks hotter than ever. I am bothered and bewildered by this pudding called Will Ferrell. He should keep his shirt on.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Cinderella Man Russell Crowe fights much better than Hilary Swank. He's had more practice.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Mr. and Mrs. Smith I went to a preview of this movie in New York, followed by a Q&A session with the director, Doug Liman. He said the movie was not about the constant gunfights and the extra long car chase, but it was all about the romance between the lead characters. Yeah right! That's why they spent $100 million on special affects and nothing on the kissing. And who would believe that Brad and Angelina were a real couple?
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

The Longest Yard They could have ripped off a classic movie with good actors and played it for cheap laughs with today's excuse for comedians who are lousy actors, but no, they wrote an original script for actor/comedians who are destined to go down in the annals of Hollywood as the greatest ever. Why do they nickname it The Longest Yawn? It's a hoot! Two fingers up!
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Monster-in-Law I was expecting to see Leona Helmsley or Martha Stewart in the title role, but instead they horribly miscast poor old Jane Fonda who, for all her faults, does not seem to be a monster. Still, maybe Ted Turner's kids saw a side of her that we didn't and recommended her to the producers!
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Interpreter You'll need an interpreter to follow Nicole Kidman, whose accent changes form English to Australian to South African, when her character is meant to be from sub-Sahara Africa. Sean "Crybaby" Penn cries well but, if you've seen him cry once, that's enough.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Inside Deep Throat This movie, which has been in limited release, will now open wide. It's supposed to be a documentary, but I think it might be more tongue in cheek. The plot is hard to swallow.
Laurie Siegel
Rating:

Guess Who Finally, an original movie! So many movies today are remakes. Ashton Kutcher is a vastly underrated talent.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Be Cool If you want to be cool, don't be seen dead at this movie.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Million Dollar Baby I've been told not to give away the surprise ending about euthanasia, so let that be a pleasant surprise for you; enjoy watching scrawny Hilary Swank getting her ribs broken and brain squished; Clint Eastwood is getting very old and looks terrible. That's entertainment!
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Hitch I never thought I would like Will Smith, whom I have previously found to be obnoxious, but in this movie he was urbane and cool, in a cross-over kind of way, as a date coach for men who can't get a girl.
Rob Ridley
Rating:

I learned all the things I am doing wrong.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Sideways After visiting Sundance, I realize why so many film critics want Sideways to win the Academy Award. Most of the critics look like Paul Giamatti! Most of them drink like him too!
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

In Good Company Dennis Quaid looks old but great. Scarlett Johanssen looks young and great. New actor, Topher Grace, looks weird. His name is weird too. He was born "Christopher" but, whenever people shortened his name to "Chris," he added the remainder, "Topher." He said "Topher" so often that it became his name. Just as well he didn't have an Old Norse name like "Culprick."
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Meet the Fockers What were the fockers who made this movie thinking? Dustin Hoffman reaches a new low as he tries to destroy his reputation as an actor. Barbra Streisand proves she has plenty of money for food.
Rob Ridley
Rating:

National Treasure The film led President Bush on a wild-goose chase. He believed the film was a documentary and immediately sprung into action, trying to find the treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. He ordered Ashcroft to steal the Declaration from the National Archives and locate the treasure. Ashcroft enlisted Sandy Burglar to do the job, but he screwed up and stole more of Bill Clinton's notes. Bush was furious.
KDANTEATER
Rating:

Alexander Alexander the Great, who killed, raped and plundered his way across 90% of the known world, is portrayed by Oliver Stone as a gay, benevolent despot who's just trying to get away from his mother. This tells you more about Oliver Stone than about Alexander.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

The Incredibles It is incredible how incredible this movie was. It used to be difficult for animators to do hair, but the little boy's hair was incredible. Despite that achievement, they still haven't learned how to make animated characters walk naturally, which is incredible.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Birth Aussie hottie, Nicole Kidman, sexually molests a 10-year old boy in this new movie, kissing him on the mouth and taking him into her bath. I guess all those years of living with Tom proved very frustrating.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Being Julia A wrinkled but still cute Annette Bening steals the show (there I go giving away the plot again; sorry). No wonder Warren Beatty got the hots for her.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

i ♥ huckabees My advice is to only watch the first half of this movie, while Naomi Watts and Jude Law are looking so great, and before the director smudges up her face and makes them both look bad. I didn't understand all the existential/meaning of life stuff. Who cares about that when there's a party on Saturday night?
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Wimbledon When two tennis professionals start having wild sex, his performance on the court improves while hers suffers. Sounds like a thinly veiled account of why Anna Kournikova is struggling and why Roger Federer is doing so well.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Resident Evil: Apocalypse Now
Resident Evil: Apocalypse Now Mike Pasternack

Garden State If you're an ugly TV actor like Zach Brach and can't get an attractive date, why not write, direct and act in your own movie, and cast a beautiful actress like Natalie Portman in a role where she has to kiss you many times. Hey, it worked for Woody Allen too.
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:

Vanity Fair Who's idea was it to cast a lantern-jawed American chick as a 19th Century English governess?
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:

Alien vs. Predator
Alien vs. Predator

The Presidential election contest is between Alien vs. Predator.
Mike Pasternack

King Arthur Keira Knightly is painted up like a Maori warrior in this politically correct, legendarily incorrect version of Camelot, in which Merlin is no longer a magician. Clearly a case of the studio suits overriding the scriptwriter with their dumb ideas.
Emma Dubin
Rating:

The Manchurian Candidate Jack Palethorpe Interviews Jonathan Demme, the author of The Manchurian Candidate click here

Fahrenheit 9/11

Tremendous movie.
Van Gross, MD
Rating:

Fahrenheit itself was more factual than Bush has been, so I have to recommend it highly
KDANTEATER
Rating:

I can relate to Bush. If the world were falling apart around me, I think I'd read a good children's book too. As long as it wasn't a scary one.
Mike Pasternack
Rating:

This movie was too confusing. I was constantly trying to convert it to Celsius.
Naomi D. Plume
Rating:

Since when did Ray Bradbury become so fat and whiney?
Mark Fisher
Rating:

Not worthy of being called propaganda.
Emma Dubin
No Rating

It was meant to be satirical, right?
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Strayed I saw incredibly beautiful French actress, Emmanuelle Béart (Manon of the Spring, Mission Impossible), at the screening of her new flic, Strayed, at the Tribeca Film Festival. She answered dopey questions from the audience about making the movie and acting, when all I wanted to ask her was about her nude scenes in Manon, when she was 21, and in Strayed, at the ripe old age of 38, and how she stayed so ripe.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Editor's note: Jack, you fool! I just got an e-mail from a reader who says that Emmanuelle Béart was a no-show at the screening. Upon checking your e-mail submission of your review, I notice that you sent it to me BEFORE the screening time! What's going on? We're not The New York Times, we have ethical standards! We don't want any Jayson Blairs here!

Note from Rob Ridley: Jack, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Knots I met Estee Lauder supermodel, Paulina Porizkova, after the screening of Greg Lombardo's indie flic at the closing session of the Gen Art Film Festival in New York. She is every bit as beautiful in real life. I'm pretty tall myself, but she's way taller. She plays a bisexual ball buster who busts some balls and ovaries, with a very funny script by Lombardo and Neil Turitz. a red-headed Woody Allen. I hear Paulina is married to a really ugly guy. What is it with these models?
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Ned Kelly I didn't get any advance tickets so I had to line up with the general public to see this movie with Aussie hottie, Naomi Watts, who is 35, and her Aussie boy toy, Heath Ledger, who is 24. Heath plays a famous Australian outlaw (aren't all Aussies criminals or related to them)? Anyway, enough about the movie. Naomi doesn't look 35 and she's getting hotter with every movie. It must be all that great sex she's having with Heath, because the girls call him Heath Bar.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Osama President Bush said everyone should see this movie, so I did.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Dogville I attended a pre-release screening of Danish director Lars van Trier's movie, which some have called anti-American. I didn't find it so, except for the closing theme song. A disturbing study of human nature, this movie sure kicks the stuffing out of a romantic view of small town living.
Rob Ridley
Rating:

I wonder if President Bush would recommend that people see this movie.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating: One star and no stripes

The Passion of The Christ I don't know what all the fuss is about. This movie increased my faith … in violent movies; the torture scenes were great! Why is it being anti-Semitic to show Jewish priests trying to get the Romans to kill Jesus? Jesus, isn't that what happened!? But where was the "passion?" I was expecting more sex.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

50 First Dates You'd have to have complete memory loss to agree to go on even one date with Adam Sandler.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Lost in Translation Sofia Coppola-san, daughter of Francis Ford Coppola-san, directed this movie, which is . Bill Murray is while Scarlett Johansson is but not .
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

The Station Agent A real-life dwarf stars in this movie. It's a small part.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Stuck on You I wangled some free tickets to the premiere of the Farelly Brothers' new comedy, Stuck on You, in New York, followed by a party at a nightclub called Deep. As I lined up to get my pass at a tent on a street covered with snow and slush, I found myself behind a tall model with long brown hair and a skimpy pink dress, with a matching pink leather jacket. She had no overcoat and was shivering in the chilly weather. "Aren't you cold?" I asked, thinking that line would be a good ice breaker. She turned around and flashed a smile at me and said, "I didn't expect to be outside for any length of time," in a thick Russian accent. My pulse began to race, but just then a Hollywood junior mogul-type in a black, full-length, leather coat whisked her out of the line, saying, "You don't need a pass," and off she went with him. I got my pass and proceeded down the red carpet, where flash bulbs were popping and a huge gaggle of camera crews was interviewing this women in a black jockey cap. It was Cher! If you're watching the E! network or one of those other shows and you see a tall, dark and, dare I say, good-looking man hovering around in the background behind Cher, that's me, at least that's me until security made me move along. As I entered the theater, between the outer and inner doors, I heard a commotion behind me and there was the model in pink who somehow came in behind me. (So much for the junior mogul! If you'd stuck with me, I'd have got you in out of the cold sooner!) She was being photographed by the paparazzi, who were going crazy. I suddenly realized why, since her pink leather jacket had almost no front, and revealed the most amazing décolletage. Her smile flashed, she shook her hair, and her makeup glistened without being shiny. How do models get that look? I moved further inside and, as I grabbed some free popcorn, Meryl Streep strolled by, and I made a lunge for an autograph but security wrestled me away. So I went into the theater and sat dutifully while Greg Kinnear arrived. No sign of Matt Damon, though.
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:
Movie
Model
Junior mogul

Sylvia Gwyneth Paltrow plays Sylvia Plath, an unsuccessful poet with a history of attempting suicide who, after a failed marriage, kills herself and becomes an icon to women the world over. I guess I just don't understand women.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Swimming Pool I was completely confused by this movie, until someone told me later that most of the action was actually occurring in the mind of the Charlotte Rampling character as she wrote her new novel. Now the plot makes sense. Sorry if I spoiled the plot line for you, but would you rather be confused or know what's going on when you see the movie. I wasn't focusing on the plot anyway, but on the topless scenes with Ludivine Sagnier, the beautiful girl on the movie's poster.
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:
Plot
Plot, when explained
Ludivine Sagnier

Gigli I don't know why everybody is criticizing this movie. It's awesome. First of all, it's pronounced 'Giggly', not 'Jee-lee'. Secondly, JLo and Ben Affleck are accomplished actors; how else could they project such chemistry on screen, when their real-life romance is so fake. Also, there was plenty of room at the theater, nobody blocking my view, and the trailers for other movies were really cool.
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:

A Mighty Wind A mighty wind is what I get after I eat a lot of chili.
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:

The Good Thief If I read another review about Nick Nolte stealing this movie, I'll puke.
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:

Anger Management Who ever thought Adam Sandler would get top billing over Jack Nicholson? While Jack needs to get his teeth cleaned, Sandler is the luckiest guy alive, being paid $20 million a movie when he has no more talent than any other dead-pan, stand-up comedian, and perhaps much less. It was good to see Derek Jeter and Rudi Giuliani in cameos, but why did we have to see grinning Judith Nathan every time we saw Rudi? Must have been in his cameo contract. I need to enroll in an anger management class after watching this movie.
Rob Ridley

Rating:

Jack is the man! Heather Graham is hot.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating for Heather:

Final Flight of the Osiris One of nine, visionary, short films in The Matrix universe that make up The Animatrix (coming to DVD June 3), this 10 minute CG masterpiece is simply amazing. They managed to squeeze in character development, insane action sequences, and crazy cinematography into such a short time. The theater I saw it in showed it before Dreamcatcher, but apparently some theaters are showing it afterwards. While Dreamcatcher may not be worth paying $10 to see, this definitely is (a dollar a minute!). Hope - no, PRAY - that Final Flight is shown before Dreamcatcher, and not after it. Because you may as well leave after Final Flight.
Darth Aeroplane

Rating:

Dreamcatcher I always see movies on the day they open, and I saw this one the day it opened. It was so amazingly weird that I decided to wait a while before writing my review, hoping I would begin to understand it. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I hope the book that the movie is based on explains the plot, because the movie doesn't do a very good job of explaining anything. The book probably had to be cut in order to make the movie, so I guess the people who made the movie decided to cut out the plot. Unless you've read the book, which I haven't, don't expect to understand the movie. Basically, it is about a bunch of stupid people with special abilities who go to a cabin in a snowy forest. And, since this is a Stephen King movie, scary things begin to happen. I can't tell you what the scary things are, because, first of all, that would be giving away too much and, second of all, I'm still trying to figure them out.
Darth Aeroplane

Rating:

The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions Trailer Some people watch the Super Bowl just for the ads. My young nephew, Darth Aeroplane, watched it just to see the Matrix trailer. I was watching for the game, and was in the kitchen reloading my beer mug when the trailer came on, so I missed it. But Darth was so excited when I got back to the TV room. He was jumping up and down and on a cellphone to a friend describing how cool the trailer was. Darth is obsessed with the Matrix. I'm a little worried about him.
Jack Palethorpe

It was crazy, the coolest thing I've ever seen. They showed a lot of new footage, with teasers of the awesome special effects. It was insane when Neo fought all the Agent Smiths.
Darth Aeroplane
Rating:

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers I conned some free tickets to a preview in New York of The Two Towers, six days before the public opening. To get the tickets, I pretended that I was a filmmaker interested in shooting a movie in New Zealand, and went to the screening which was a big promotion for New Zealand. I took with me my young nephew, Darth Aeroplane, plus my critical colleague, Rob Ridley, who was unable to get a ticket using his contacts (heh heh). At the cocktail party before the movie, I was introduced to the very butch New Zealand Prime Minister, and I bullshitted with her about my supposed movie. She thanked me for considering New Zealand as the location. Those Kiwis are so damn polite; they're just a little naïve. Elijah Wood was at the screening, and spoke before the movie; he is tiny, just like a hobbit. The movie is good, although much too long, at three hours. My favorite character was Gollum, an ET-like little person, but with human-like skin, big eyes and wispy hair. He is so skinny and misshapen that I spent most of the movie trying to figure out if there was a little kid inside him, but I later learned that Gollum was 100% CG (which is the shorthand we movie people use for computer-generated). I could have saved myself a lot of time and focused more on the movie if the director had done what Steven Spielberg did in ET. Spielberg told me recently that he made ET's neck extra long so that the audience would know that ET wasn't a kid in a suit. Actually, Spielberg told me and about 500 other people at a retrospective of his work at Lincoln Center, where they showed a long clip from his upcoming film with Tom Hanks and Leonardo DiCaprio, Catch Me if You Can, which could be the subject of another review if I can find the energy to write it. Anyway, I won't give away any more of The Two Towers' plot. But I was offended by the shameless exploitation of the twin towers' tragedy so soon after September 11.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Jack, you ignorant sloth. J.R.R. Tolkien wrote The Two Towers fifty years ago. People who read books, which doesn't include anyone you know, already know the plot. I liked Gollum, too. He is a character from an earlier Tolkien book, The Hobbit, or, There and Back Again. He is a former elf who has been changed into a grotesque, little creature by a previous encounter with the ring. He becomes Frodo's guide in The Two Towers. He is also schizophrenic, with a cute, lovable personality and a vicious, potentially murderous alter ego. He steals the show in the second edition of the trilogy.
Rob Ridley
Rating:

First of all, don't see this movie if you haven't seen The Fellowship of the Ring — you'll just be confused. The Two Towers gives no background information or plot summary of Fellowship (and the first movie was so good, so why miss it)? Instead, the movie energetically picks up where the last one left off. This energy wanes a little bit towards the middle of the movie but it is restored at the end, which involves a massive, epic battle with 10,000 enemy soldiers (but I won't ruin it for you too much). The Two Towers has all of the aspects that made the first movie great, and more. Gollum is computer-animated very realistically, and Andy Serkis's voice fits the character perfectly. Again, I won't ruin too much of the movie, but I will say that it's even better than Fellowship (which is saying a lot).
Darth Aeroplane
Rating:

Jackass the Movie Jackass the Movie is number one at the box office, and for good reason. The gruesome, gross-out movie stars wild man, Johnny Knoxville, and friends (Dave England, Ehren McGhehey, Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña, Bam Margera, Steve-O, and Chris Pontius) who are unafraid to put their bodies on the line in search of ever more dangerous or disgusting stunts. Even die-hard fans of the TV show, expecting extreme violence, let out gasps of "Oooooh" and "Ooooo" as the actors in Jackass the Movie proceed to cut themselves, burn themselves, get bitten by animals, crap in their pants, snort sushi and vomit, drink a snow cone of urine and vomit, and induce their own camera man to vomit yet again. For a generation raised on violent computer games and scatological movies, Jackass the Movie actually shocks its audience. Now that's entertainment!
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

A great date movie - for two guys who are gay and sadomasochistic.
Rob Ridley
Rating:

On Video/DVD

My Big Fat Greek Wedding After seeing this movie I'm never going to marry a Greek.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

The Banger Sisters Two groupies who slept with most of the famous rock stars in the 70's (and most of their crews) meet later in life. One (Goldie Hawn) is still a free-loving hellraiser while the other (Susan Sarandon) is a prim and proper, respectable wife and mother whose husband and daughters have no idea of her wild past. A great premise for a movie, which ultimately disappoints (except for the revelation of Sarandon's "rock cock" Polaroid collection). Why should I prefer the uptight, prim and proper Sarandon to her character's attempt at regaining her "freedom"?
Rob Ridley
Rating:

I would rather bang Goldie Horn.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood I haven't seen this movie, but all the reviews say it's crap.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Nine Queens (Argentine). Interesting movie about two small-time con artists in Buenos Aires. Who's scamming whom?
Rob Ridley
Rating:

K-19: The Widowmaker (Harrison Ford, Liam Neeson, directed by Kathryn Bigelow). Submarine drama, set during the Cold War, and told from the Ruskie point of view. I went to the New York premiere, followed by a cast party at the Russian Tea Room with Harrison Ford. My invitation having gone astray in the mail, I paid $300 for me and a date to attend, with the proceeds going to some weirdo greenie group. After standing in line for 45 minutes outside the RTR in suffocating heat to get through the metal detector (thank you Al Qaeda), I entered the gaudy remake of the once famous restaurant (Tootsie), now suitable only for tourists and bar mitzvahs, and discovered that I was one of about a thousand people inside. And there was no sign of The Fugitive. After loading up on free booze, I scoured the four floors looking for his highness, and discovered that the second floor was "closed", with lots of people, including presumably Indiana Jones, on the floor, and people like me being turned away. A man standing at the door explained that "the Chairman of Paramount Pictures made this decision." So after loading up on some more drinks, I ditched my star-struck date, who wanted to stay, and headed for the exit. The next day, she phoned me to say that at about 1 a.m. she got within a foot of Han Solo, but I figure that unless he is hung like Johnnie Holmes was, that was probably a safe distance. She said that bony Calista Flockhart had a proprietary arm around him. Well, screw you, Chairman of Paramount Pictures. And why does Harrison Ford wear an earring? And what's a woman doing directing a submarine movie?
Jack Palethorpe
Movie Rating:
Party Rating:

My Wife is an Actress (French) and he's pissed off, consumed with jealousy over her on-screen sex scenes. Personally, I would like to watch my girlfriend do a sex scene, and even join in a three way. And, if she were a famous actress, it would be great to be let off driving offenses by cops who were adoring fans, and to be able to get restaurant reservations anywhere, anytime. Most French movies are really stupid, but this one is actually funny.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Y Tu Mamá También (Mexican). If your best friend told you he'd slept with your girlfriend, and your mother too (hence the title "And Your Mother Too"), and you thought that was funny, then you'll appreciate this Mexican road trip movie.
Rob Ridley

Rating:

Actually, I thought it was funny.
Jack Palethorpe
Rating:

Monster's Ball (Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry, Heath Ledger, directed by Marc Forster). I arrived twenty minutes late for this movie. My date saved a seat for me and everyone including the theater manager tried to make her give it up. Luckily for her I finally arrived. I missed the gruesome execution scene but arrived in time to see Heath Ledger shoot himself in the heart. Oops, sorry to give that plot line away. I know Halle won the Academy Award for this role, but personally I think it's easier for an actor to cry and scream than to act subtly like Kevin Spacey did in Shipping News. In my opinion, that was the best movie of the year. The critics said that Spacey's character wasn't true to the book but, hey, I'll never read the book. And what's a nice southern boy like Billy Bob doing married to a freaky girl like Angelina Jolie? Anyway, this movie is OK but not great.
Jack Palethorpe

Rating:

Subscribe to Bongo News

More Lord of the Rings Headlines from our News Section

Weird Characters in The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers

Separated at Birth: Gollum and James Carville


Separated at Birth: Gandalf and Hamas Leader

Lord of the Rings Screws Up


First Looks

Chicago the Movie


"Big Fat Greek" Movie is a Surprise Hit

Professor Reviews Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

Boy Interrupts Spider-Man While He Tries to Take a Dump


Behind the Scenes at Cannes

Cannes Film Festival: Debra Messing, Messing with Woody Allen

More Cannes Film Festival: Cameron Diaz, Posing with Martin Scorsese

Freak Show in Cannes; Iman and Elton John Flee the Stage


Special Oscar Issue

Whitey Wins Some Minor Oscars

White Guy Wins Academy Awards for Best Makeup and Best Special Effects

Academy Award for Best Crying

Academy Award for Best Bad Boy

Academy Award for Fattest Director

Academy Award for Best Stealing of the Limelight

Academy Award for Best Undress

Holly Woody at Academy Awards

'Moulin Rouge' and 'A Beautiful Mind' Vie for Oscars


Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed