 | Smart Alec Recovering alcoholic looking for a girlfriend about my daughter’s age. I’ll read you bedtime stories if you’ll call me “daddy.” No phone messages, please. |
 | Astronut I drink Tang and I love the smell of urine. Looking for a girl who will be CRAZY for you? Call me and we’ll go for a long ride. |
 | Brown. I feel good!
I knew that I would.
I feeeeeeel good!
I would that I would now!
So good!
So good!
I bitch-slapped you! |
 | Saddam Lonely If you’d like to marry … or just have sex with … a convicted murder, why not try a convicted MASS murderer? If you want to know what I mean by “mass,” just look at the photos of me in my briefs! Please hurry, I won’t be hanging around for long. |
 | Fidel Not quite dead, senior seňor, Latin lover Desi Arnaz type (without the music) seeks young gringo female nurse. Offering attractive salary, plus free sex once a month. |
 | Heather. Soon to be rich, already famous, one-legged woman seeks even richer but not as famous, two-legged man to be second victim, I mean husband. Let me have the limelight, and never say “break a leg.” |
 | Reese. My Oscar win was a real jaw-dropper. I’m just a little girl from Tennessee, whose jaw was born in Texas. |
 | Whittington. Turn again, Dick Whittington. I’m a dick because I apologized to Cheney after he shot me. |
 | Bode. It’s Miller time! I get drunk before I perform, talk about how great I’ll be, but then I flop. Let me go down on your mountain. |
 | Lindsay. Vanity? Fair enough. Watch me eat and throw up while I do drugs. It’s sexy! |
 | Britney. I’ve had it with Kevin. Twice-divorced woman looking for a new man who’ll only have eyes for me. I’m bulking up so I’ll be easy for him to see. |
 | Jessica. My Daddy boasts about my DDs. That seems a little creepy, but I guess he’s entitled to, because he paid for them! Anyway, Nick got bored with them pretty damn quick, so I’m splitsville and in the market for a career-boosting relationship. Hurry before they start leaking. |
 | Terrell. I've soared with Eagles, but I’ve come down to earth. I want to try out some new plays. For $12 million dollars, I’ll give you a wide reception. |
 | Prussian Blue. We are Lynx and Lamb, twins in the band Prussian Blue. We love long walks on the beach, puppies and attending Nazi rallies. We like threesomes and will make your Bratwurst "Heil." No heathens, Jews, coloreds, gays, or hate mail from enemies who are bent on exterminating the White race |
 | Scooter. I’m looking for another man’s wife for an “outing.” Must know all about Duncan Hines’ yellow cake. |
 | Pit Bull in Size 6 Shoes. Single white female looking for some mature male company. If you’d like your thingy to be “born again,” give me a call. |
 | Roberts. You won’t learn much about me by asking questions. Let me be the judge. |
 | Garfunkel. Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last. Just kicking down the cobble stones. Looking for fun and feelin' groovy! |
 | Madonna. I’ve had a bad break. A collarbone, fractured a hand, and three ribs! So put those thoughts of jumping my bones out of your mind for now. |
 | Karl. I've always been a rover, wandering the King's highway. I'm very good at screwing people. Tell me your secrets and I promise not to leak them.
|
 | Katie. Do you need a date, or do you need to squelch those ugly rumors that you bat for the other side? Call me and we’ll negotiate my services. Kissing in public costs extra. |
 | I Felt. Demented old man is seeking … |
 | Russell. I don’t shave, I drink too much, and I get into fights. In other words, I’m Australian! If you believe in fairy tales, let me be your Cinderella Man. |
 | Teacher. Mature woman seeking newly-pubescent boys for sex and fatherhood. Asians preferred. |
 | Dave. You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for! I'm not on crack, but I'd like to be! Looking for a crazy black bitch for travel and laughs. |
 | Tom. I need to line up my next girlfriend in case my current romance fizzles. I’m a great kisser but otherwise I don’t make any demands. Plus you get to sleep in your own bed so you get a good night’s rest. Actresses only. |
 | Runaway. I’m new in town, just arrived on a Greyhound bus. You look kinda cute. Wanna get married? Just let me know the time and place so I can plan my travel arrangements. |
 | Silly Cone. Choose a pair of newly-approved breasts. Excellent for dating. There's C Cup (perky, doesn't jiggle too much), D Cup (extra bouncy, enjoys facial wrapping) and the ever-popular DDD Cup (loves to play but can leak easily, so have the repair kit handy). |
 | Chuck. I had a beautiful, young, trophy wife but I traded her in for an old hag. If you’re even older and uglier than Camilla, call me for a viewing of the Royal Family jewels. |
 | Rummy. I want to carpet bomb you and occupy your Fallujah! |
 | Shexshy Shcot. Sheventy-ish shelebrity sheeksh shoul-mate for shabbatical; musht be shuccheshful, shingle and shexshy. |
 | Summer Love. Misunderstood misogynist looking for an intellectually inferior woman to perform sexual services, cook and clean. Just don’t give me any crap about getting an education; I’m sick of talking about educating women. E-mail me your naked photo at YChromosomes-
4Science@harvard.edu, that is if you’re not too dumb to use e-mail. |
 | Christo. I, a fetishist, who likes wrapping people in big sheets of plastic. You, a non-claustrophobic woman, who likes to be bound and trussed. Hope you like orange. |
 | Groper. I used to have a TV show where kids said the darnedest things, like how I groped them backstage. Now all these women are saying I groped them. At my age, groping is about as much action as I can handle. |
 | Carmen. Who is this Jennifer Garner, using and misspelling my last name in a movie which also uses and misspells my last name? She is an imposter! You can tell because she has less silicone than the real me. |
 | Harry. What’s da Furor? Hey, I’m part German! Me, a “Prince,” part inbred-English, part in-bred German. You, an English aristocratic slut, European royal slut, or laddie magazine topless model slut. Let’s rave! Be my Eva Braun, baby! Sieg Heil! |
 | Brad. Studley movie star looking for a new friend, preferable a freaky man-eater called Angelina. |
 | Kofi. Lusty diplomat experienced in international affairs, looking for white females for discrete assignations. Willing to enter into a Sex-for-Money program. |
 | M&M. SWM pretending to be SBM seeks B or W W for S&M. No MFers please. |
 | Artest. I’m a fighter, not a lover. Tall, dark and handsome professional athlete seeks bitch for traveling, slam dunks and three pointers. |
 | Nicollette. Desperate housewife desperately seeking someone. Each Sunday night I prowl the neighborhood looking for sex with neighbors, and on Monday night I tried a footballer. Maybe I’ll have better luck later in the week. |
 | Politically Incorrect. My gal-pal wants palimony! Misogynistic TV host looking for some new booty. Must be willing to sign a pre-nup before our first date. |
 | Hillary. I’m the front runner for an important race four years from now. I am intelligent, eloquent and ambitious. My husband is useless right now, so I’m looking for someone, man or woman, to satisfy my needs. No leg men (unless you like tree trunks). |
 | Angelina. I want to bite you! I know I’m scary to most men, and for good reason! Freaks only. |
 | Fair and Balanced. So I talk dirty. Who cares?! I’m rich and famous. If you’d like me to talk dirty to you, call me. Bring your vibrator! |
 | Howard. Now that I'm worth $500 million, I’m looking for a higher class of broad, meaning one with even bigger t*ts, and one who doesn’t mind sleeping with a really ugly guy. No lesbos, freaks, or geeks. |
 | Boy Toy. Hi. I date older chicks or pretty much any cool celebrity chick that'll take my bony ass. I'm dumber than a bag-full of rocks and dig 70's porn. |
 | Junkie. My parents left me home alone, so I do drugs. Come fly with me. |
 | Jessica. Take a look at these! Still care that I’m dumb? |
 | Friendless. I’ve got no friends. I’m available for $1 million per episode. |
 | Julia. People tell me that my 28-tooth smile is my best feature. It certainly isn’t my nose. If you want a pretty-woman-type hooker, call me. |
 | Paris. I’m looking for a new man who is sensitive, open to experimentation, and has a video camera. |
 | Gay Gov. If I don't put you on the payroll, it's OK for us to have sex. Men only. |
 | Whitney. My maid says I beat her up real good. Call me for some S&M. |
 | William. Although my name is Hung, I am not. I sing real bad, but good for Chinese. I fat, also have B.O. |
 | Teresa. I am very rich but I'm married to a boring guy who always does it the same way. I liked my previous husband's 57 varieties. |
 | Britney. I’ve gained a few pounds lately. Well, more than a few. All the guys started drooling over Pamela Anderson when she packed on a few pounds, so drool a little drool on me! |
 | The Kid. People say I need more experience. Let me stuff your ballot box. |
 | Bubba. Don't believe everything you read. Well, on second thought, believe it. MWM seeking some female lovin' on the ‘downlow’, if you get my drift, which I think you do. Call me and we'll make a Burger King run. |
 | Esther. MCF (married Catholic female) seeking spiritual fulfillment as a Jew, but not willing to give up hot sex. |
 | Jennifer. Love hewitt feels when no guy will ask you out? So I’m not dating any more. Just sleeping around |
 | Emma. What’s on? Bloody Harry Potter and the bloody Prisoner of Azkaban, that’s what’s on. Save me from this crap. |
 | Prisoner of Love. Middle-Eastern gentleman seeks dominant Western woman. Strong military or corrections background preferred. I find naked humiliation electrifying, and enjoy posing for photo fun. Have hood, willing to relocate. |
 | Kerry Girl. I'm the daughter of a Presidential candidate. Some people say they can see right through my father. Wanna see through me? |
 | Paulina. They say I’m a bisexual ball buster. Wanna play ball with me? |
 | Naomi. What's up? Well, I'm tired of my boy toy. I'm looking for an older man, or a new boy toy. |
 | Penelope. Cruise with me! I dated a Top Gun for three years, but I never got to see his cruise missile. Wanna show me yours? |
 | Courtney. Take care of me! |
 | Keira. Nightly I wrap my nude body in Bongo News' paper edition. Anyone want to read it with me? |
 | Mel. I'll never work in this town again, but Christ I had fun making that movie! |
 | MAPWM. (middle-aged professional white male) seeking long-lasting
relationship. I'm tired of wild rides. Let's get back to the American Dream together. Must like playing "Doctor" and know all 50 states. |
 | Scarlett. I'm only 19 but I am well developed. I had an older boyfriend but whatever he was saying to me got lost in translation. Now I've lost my pearl earring down the front of my dress. Would someone help me look for it? |
 | I'm German. Zat eez vy I ate a man I met over zee Internet. Vant to be my pen pal? |
 | Monster. I used to be a beautiful movie star. Now I'm a prostitute and serial killer. Hey, everyone has a little flaw or two. |
 | Bennifer. I've been battling a bad case of acne since I called off my
wedding, but I'm still sexy. I like going to Vegas, gambling and strippers. And JLo DOES have a fat ass. |
 | Mo. Tall, dark and wrinkled playboy seeks female companion to share my palaces. Prefer a beautician, dermatologist or plastic surgeon who can rearrange my face. Bring plenty of sunscreen. |
 | Marriage-Minded. AWF (Annulled White Female), 22, seeking love & marriage
with Mr. Right, or Mr. Just As Drunk As I Am. Must be willing to talk about mutual goals, ambitions and stuff. Believe me, a marriage is, like, soooo not cool without, um, important stuff? Call me, my bridal ball-cap is waiting! |
 | Saddamgoodlooking. I have a cool bachelor pad. Okay, it is only a hole in the
ground. Oops, they found it. Now I have a cell which looks like a toilet. Please write. |
 | Rhinestone Cowboy. By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be shitfaced,
She'll find the bottles I left scattered on the floor.
She'll laugh when she reads about me kickin' cops' balls,
'Cause I'll get ten years in jail, or maybe more. |
 | Neverleavinprison. My ferris wheel is closed cause I'm out on $3 million
bail, but let me tell about 'me': I like make-a-wish foundation kids, terminally ill kids, and chimps. I know, I know, its slim pickins but this is the Internet and I have faith. Send email with photo. |
 | Lesbo Liplockers. This is the only thing we could think of doing to get some attention. Nothing else has worked for us lately. |
 | Ménage à Trois? Experienced male seeking open-minded blonde and brunette
to share new living quarters and special times together. Recent life changing event has made me more loveable than ever! Must like 70's sitcoms. |
 | Laura. How ya gonna keep me down on the farm, now that I've seen
Paree!? |
 | Kobe Beef. I'm just a boy who can't hear 'no.' |
 | Mini-Me. I stand 2 feet 8 inches in my socks, and my girlfriend is six feet two. When we're dancing, my face is in her crotch. Sometimes she likes a slow waltz best, but other times she likes to tango. |
 | Southern Charm. Stay-at-home senior, recently dead, extremely white male, 100, seeks nubile southern belle for filibustering fun. Must like quiet evenings, mornings and afternoons. No women of color or northerners, please. Come be my Dixie Chick, and let this centurion show you how much fun a stiffy can really be! Serious replies only to:
DeadStrom@
JimBobsFuneralnBBQ.com |
 | I'm back. I'm a little beaten up, but my bionic penis still works. |
 | Senator. I made a speech equating gay sex with bigamy, polygamy and incest. Now I'd like to do some personal research into these practices. |
 | Dr. Atkins. Now I know how Nick Nolte feels in the morning. Someone please give me an aspirin. |
 | Pathological. I lie for a living and have to get out of town for a while. Let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear in never-never land. |
 | Nicole. I traded my midget husband for an even shorter man, named Oscar. Now I'm looking for someone named Jude Law. |
 | Mastermind. They say I'm a ladies man, but right now I look like Al-Qaeda's version of Nick Nolte, or John Belushi after a 3-day crack high. Wait for me, I'll be out in 99 years. |
 | Weasel. I am trying to screw George Bush, but the Americans are telling me to make love to myself. At my age that is difficult. I want to make love not war, but I can't do either very well. |
 | DellDude. People say I remind them of Robert Downey Jr. I'm looking for a kindred slacker, no undercover cops please. |
 | PianoMan. Unemployed musician, just out of rehab, looking for honesty (it's such a lonely word) and someone with a driver's license. |
 | PeteWho. I like playing guitar, and I like to see things from a child's point of view. |
 | Tickle Me. Elmo look for warm fuzzies with special someone! Come to Elmo's Place! Elmo loves you! |
 | FunnyGirl. Singer, director, actress and activist looking for some respect as a serious person with legitimate views on world affairs. Bill Clinton took me seriously, in return for sex. |
 | Bin Hiden. Older male on kidney dialysis looking for an infidel woman. My cave is your cave. Free sex and all the mountain goat you can eat. Send photo by donkey. |
 | KKK. I lost my job because I'm a white supremacist, but now I'm looking for some brown sugar. I've tasted black and I can't go back. |
 | Shopper. I like communes, experimental drugs and shopping. Looking for someone with bail money. |
 | BondGirl. I want to get pregnant, so I'm looking for a man to have sex with me. Any volunteers? |
 | Farmer. I have lust in my heart. I'll show you my peanuts if you show me your melons. |
 | Star. I love the nightlife, I gotta boogie. |
 | Teletubbie. My lesbian girlfriend got pregnant. Should I be suspicious? |
 | Neutron. I'm looking for someone willing to pay my grocery bills. |
 | Server. Ever wonder why some of the players on the men's tour play great one day but are pooped the next? Let me show you why. |
 | Widow. Looking for a new husband. Till death do us part (one year time limit). Hurry, do you know how long it takes to shave underarms this big? |
 | 'Nspace. Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. |
 | Freakazoid. Why do people call me a freak? Altar boys only. |
 | Reverend without a Church. I know since I lost weight I look like a cross between Little Richard and a Pez dispenser, but I need some booty too. |
 | Ask Me. Everybody thinks I'm a greedy lying huckster. I'm looking for someone in PR with a law degree. |
 | Hero. I'm a real lady killer. |
 | Obehave. I'm an actress and model and I'm looking for the father of my child. |
 | Kabul. I've studied the world's religions and have traveled to remote places. I'm a little tied up right now, but should be free in about 20 years. |
 | Me2. You should want to meet me because I mix with a lot of famous people. |
 | Deathrow. I kidnapped, raped and murdered a woman, then drank her blood. Call soon, I don't have much time left. |
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