2009-06-12 — 10. David Letterman is so gay that he loathes himself more then he loathes me! HAHAHAHAHAHA Continued...
Sotomayor: Dyslexic White Guy Should Not Test Better Than Healthy Hispanics
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-05-30 — Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, was upset that a dyslexic white guy could score better on the Hartford firefighters’ exam than all the Hispanic candidates who sat for the test.
“It shows how culturally biased the test must have been,” she said, “because no way José
a white guy with a learning disability should beat healthy Hispanic men.”
But didn’t the firefighter, Frank Ricci, put in more effort that the other test takers, working two jobs to earn the $1,000 that he spent on having someone read the study material to him? Didn’t he just work harder to score well?
“That’s the point,” said Sotomayor. “Working hard is not part of the Hispanic culture.”
Sotomayor: Fat, Catholic, Latina Woman Judge Better Than Thin White Male
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-05-28 — Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, has spoken for years about how her experiences as a Latina woman have influenced her decisons as a judge. “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would, more often than not, reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life," she has said repeatedly in speeches over the years. She has also said that “a wise Latina woman who is a graduate of Yale law school would reach a better decision than someone who attended an inferior law school, like Harvard. The white male professors at Yale law school are better than the white male professors at Harvard, and that female law professor in Legally Blonde does not exist.”
Continued...
Administration to Stop Using the Word “Pirates”
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-04-09 — In addition to eliminating the words ‘enemy combatant’ and ‘terrorist’ from its lexicon, the Obama Administration has decided to stop using the word ‘pirates.’ “We don’t use ‘pirates’ anymore” said Obama spin-meister, David Axelrod. “We call those people ‘men at sea offering involuntary hospitality.’ And ‘hostage’ has too many Jimmy Carter connotations. We now call those people ‘men accepting involuntary accommodation who may turn out to be expensive or not, depending on how much their relatives love them.” Continued...
Barack and Michelle Act Like Hicks in Europe
LONDON and PARIS, 2009-04-04 — Barack Obama declared that his debut appearance at the G20 meeting in London and his first visit to Europe as President were both great successes. “I was unable to get the G20 to agree to spend recklessly like we are doing,” said the President. "The European leaders blocked me, proving that we have moved America way beyond European socialism. That’s a real accomplishment!
Continued...
Earth Hour a Huge Success, Better than Earth Day
BONN, Germany, 2009-03-29 — Environmental activists said Earth Hour was a huge success after millions of people followed World Wildlife Federation's call to turn off lights for an hour.
"It was much more convenient than Earth Day, which was too long."
Meanwhile, thousands were killed in traffic accidents
Continued...
One-Eyed Monster Steals the Show in Monsters vs Aliens
2009-03-27 — How did this phallic character get past the suits? Continued...
Audubon Society Blamed for Plane Crashes, Bird Poop
CHICAGO, Illinois, 2009-03-03 — The Illinois state government is lauding the Audubon Society for its successes in the field of bird conservation, officially recognizing it as one of the most successful non-profits in the region. However, a proliferation of birds is blamed for the recent splash-landing of a passenger jet in New York's Hudson River and a helicopter crash that killed eight people in the Gulf of Mexico, and local Chicago residents aren't thrilled. "There's bird poop everywhere ..." Continued...
Obama Must Have Read Animal Farm: “Newspeak” on the Budget
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-02-26 — Napoleon announces to the assembled pigs who are beginning to worry about the affordability of his profligate spending programs (aka “investments to remake Animal Farm”) that he will cut the deficit in half by 2013. “In half! In half!” the pigs squeal. “Napoleon will cut the deficit in half! Hooray! Hooray for Napoleon!” But Benjamin, the long-lived donkey who refuses to feel inspired by the Rebellion (aka the “Change”), firmly believes that life will remain unpleasant no matter who is in charge. Of all of the animals on the farm, he alone comprehends the changes that are taking place. “The 2013 deficit may be half the size of Napoleon’s 2009 deficit, but it will more than Bush the Human’s deficit in 2008,” said Benjamin. Continued...
GOP Rebuttal by Jindal Turns Into Shameless Promo for Slumdog Millionaire
BATON ROUGE. Louisiana, 2009-02-25 — Viewers around America were left confused on Tuesday night as Gov. Bobby Jindal used the allotted Republican response to President Obama's national address as a declaration of admiration for the Oscar-nominated film, Slumdog Millionaire. Continued...
Chavez Becomes President for Life, Obama Mulls Doing Same
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-02-20 — “Eight years is not enough time to undo the failed policies of the past. We have to act now! Otherwise there will be a catastrophe.” Continued...
Obama's Limit on Wall Street Pay Is Gutting His Tax Base
Former banker
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-02-13 — Obama's pandering to populist sentiment by limiting the salaries of Wall Street bankers is thrilling class-warfaring liberals, but Treasury officials are dismayed that cutting Wall Street compensation will drastically reduce tax collections for the United States and blow a big hole in the funding for Obama’s expensive programs Continued...
More Obama Vetting Woes: Nominees Were a Pimp and UFC Fighter
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-02-05 — The Obama Administration's rough start is seemingly getting worse amid a string of high profile vetting blunders. Washington insiders have released startling information regarding the former careers of the new White House chef and head of security. Reports indicate that newly appointed White House chef, Andrew Thompson, and head of security, Buck Newton, formerly went by the pseudo names 'Dre Daddy' and 'Bucky the Bulldog' and made their livings as a pimp and a UFC fighter. Continued...
Cardinals' Coach Throws Super Bowl Game; Fear of Gatorade and Ice
TAMPA BAY, Florida, 2009-02-01 — "Gatorade-and-Ice, it's so cold!" Continued...
“Stimulus” Package Will Stimulate Liberals, Not Jobs
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-01-26 — The stimulus bill will spend $275,000 for each job it creates, and mostly funds liberal programs instead of job programs. Harry Reid said, "This stimulus bill raises my pulse and warms the cockles of my heart."
Following Guantanamo Closure, Obama to Shut Down Disneyland
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-01-23 — "The middle class is suffering, and Disneyland appears to be a burden on the middle class. So much money is wasted at this place." Continued...
Presidential Oath Flub: Obama and Chief Justice Now Married
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-01-21 — Under intense pressure and with the world watching on Inauguration Day, Chief Justice
John Roberts inadvertently married Barrack Obama. Continued...
Biden Family Bloopers Keep on Coming
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-01-21 — After President Obama delivered his inauguration speech, Vice President Biden told reporters, “Not much of a speech. Is he really a Negro, and is he really a magician? I don’t think so.” A spokesman for Mr. Biden said what he really meant to say was that President Obama’s somber speech was appropriate for these difficult times. Jill Biden reiterated to reporters that Continued...
Obama Pardons OJ Simpson
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-01-20 — President Obama delivered on his promise of immediate action, issuing a pardon for OJ Simpson on the first day of his Presidency. Continued...
Redford Celebrates Kerry Victory at Sundance 2009
PARK CITY, Utah, 2009-01-17 — “Change is in the air,” said Redford. Unfortunately, the Alzheimer’s-ridden Redford thought it was the coming of the Kerry era. Continued...
Bush Announces Best "Vantage Points" For Obama Inauguration
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-01-14 — President Bush held an impromptu press conference in the Rose Garden to advise citizens of the best possible sites in Washington from which to view the upcoming inauguration of Barak Obama. The President expressed his desire to inform Americans of areas which would offer the least amount of security hassles while providing a clear line of sight on the incoming President.
Continued...
Beyonce's Two Golden Globes
HOLLYWOOD, CA, 2009-01-11 — Kate Winslet is not the only person with two Golden Globes. Continued...
Bush Diary – In Two Weaks I Will Be History, So My Legucy is Intact
WASHINGTON, DC, 2009-01-06 — Dear Jernal. In two weaks, I will be history. That is what I hurd peeple says. That meens my legucy is intact! Just as well, because on the domestic front I here from reliable horses that the US eek-onomy is in deep doo-doo. I hope that my internashional legucy is intact too, because the Gar-czar Strip peeple are under attack from the Is-reallys. Continued...
Abstinence Education Not Working; Conservatives Now Advocating High School Marriages
BROOKLYN, New York, 2009-01-05 — Following a recent study showing that vows of celibacy had no effect on pre-marital sex, conservative groups are now shifting to a program they are calling 'Get Married Early and Have Lots of Sex.' "Our goal is to have everyone get married prior to graduating high school Continued...
Caroline Kennedy, Like, the Sort of Interview, You Know
NEW YORK, 2008-12-28 — What is it about American royalty that renders it so incoherent. Here’s what Caroline Kennedy said in a recent interview, and what she really meant: Continued...
Ugly and Dumb Caroline Kennedy Revives Camelot Dream
NEW YORK, 2008-12-24 — New York Democrats of a certain age were in rapture at the possibility of a revival of Camelot, with the prospect of blind Governor Patterson appointing President Kennedy’s daughter, Caroline, to Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat.
Camelot … ah, those glorious days, of a handsome President who treated women like disposable diapers Continued...
Robert F. Kennedy Bridge Renamed ‘Simon and Garfunkel Bridge’
NEW YORK, 2008-11-29 — The ugly old Triborough Bridge connecting Manhattan with Queens and the Bronx was renamed the Robert F. Kennedy Bridge this month. This $4 million dollar exercise was justified on the flimsy excuse that RFK once read a speech that had been written for him and that mentioned “... ripples [that] build a current...” Continued...
Obama to Create 2.5 Million Jobs... for Mexicans
WASHINGTON, DC, 2008-11-25 — President-elect Barack Obama said he wants his economic dream team to develop a two-year economic recovery plan to create 2.5 million jobs. At the center of the plan are investments in construction and repair of roads, bridges, schools and alternative-energy infrastructure.
“These are honest jobs for people who want to work,” said Obama, “so most Americans won’t be interested. But Mexicans will be. Continued...
Obama’s Economic Dream Team for Change Has an Average Age of 92
WASHINGTON, DC, 2008-11-24 — President-elect Barack Obama has named the members of his economic ‘dream team’ to implement his change agenda. Unfortunately, the average age of the dream team members is 92. Continued...
Bush Diary – McSame Loses; Love that Sarah Nailin’
WASHINGTON DC, 2008-11-12 — Dear Jernal. Blast, spoiled again! Obama ben Lennon has won the Preztel-dental election, despite my best efforts to help the McSame/Nailin' ticket. Anywho, Sarah Nailin' is so smart for pointing out the liberal media bias. The media elites actuality think that Africa is a contentment. Continued...
